Saturday, April 30, 2011

I Love Popchips

Since I have free time on my hands I have decided to take up a hobby. My new hobby is writing complaint and/or compliment letters. Having been the recipient of many complaint and not as many compliment letters in my 20 plus years in the restaurant business, I felt this would be a fun activity for everyone involved. My first two complaint letters went to my local Jersey Mike's for their poor tasting ice tea and to Purina because Goose refused to eat the newly purchased bag of dog food. I haven't heard back from Jersey Mike's yet but Purina did send me vouchers to reimburse me for the dog food and a kit to send back a cup of the dog food in question so they could analyse it, which I thought was very nice. With two complaints letters under my belt I felt my next one should the less common compliment letter and who better to receive a compliment than popchips.

Oh, barbeque treat me right

As much as I detest Ed Hardy shirts, it is with equal if not more intense emotion that I love popchips. I love them so much in fact that my previous place of employment had to discontinue purchasing them for fear that I would devour them with such unabashed abandonment (without ever actually paying for them) therefore causing them to spiral into a financial hole that they would not be able to dig themselves out of. Popchips deserved my highest compliment and below is our correspondence.

Close call!

This is the actual email I sent to popchips:

"I'm not sure whether it is Santa's Elves or Angels that make popchips, but I am certain they are made under a rainbow on a beach with puppies and kittens playing in the background by these "Angelves" who are wearing big cozy sweaters while drinking a big cup of hot cocoa.
Pop Chips have officially been added to my list of favorite things, right behind puppies but ahead of rainbows.

Ginger Scone"

I couldn't find a picture of an "Angelve"

As if I didn't already love popchips enough, this is their response word for word:

"precious ginger scone. we’re sorry to be the ones to tell you this but it’s not “angelves” who make our chips. they’re made by leprechauns and greek goddess’ wearing dresses made of popchips bags under the shade of the giving tree in a grassy meadow with petite lap giraffes and wombats frolicking nearby sipping pale pink lemonade. you were close, though.
anywho, thank you for adding us to your list of favorite things. send us your address (no p.o. boxes) and tell us where you like to buy your popchips and expect a cozy sparkling rainbow surprise in the mail.

Where popchips are made

Well played, popchips.....well played.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


Yesterday on our way to Costco's, as we were stopped at a light, two cars collided which resulted in one of the vehicles slamming into our 4 Runner. Everyone was fine, except for our Toyota and Brock's sunglasses (which had more to do with his temper, a la the locker room wall, than the accident). Below are my favorite parts of the this whole debacle.

Stop! Play accident inspired music!

The Cause of the Accident
Brock: Do you know what caused the accident?
Me: I'm assuming that lady's failure to yield on a left hand turn.
Brock: Maybe.....but look at her feet...(head motion to the lady that hit us)
Me: Oh, oh...ok.....(looking at the Ugg boots on her feet)
Brock: (known for his hatred of Ugg boots and in a very angry tone) Those Ugg boots! They ruin everything! I hate them!
Me: Yeah, I know you do...

It was the black ones...Brock could pick them out of any line-up

The Officer
After explaining that LAPD doesn't ticket a driver if no one is injured, the officer's  phone rang with a slightly familiar ring tone.
Me: (puzzled, looking at Brock and mouthing) Hawaii 5-0?
Brock: (whispering back) No, Chips
Brock: (Quiet and listening, whispers once it is done ringing) Awesome.....

Not to be used for writing traffic tickets

The Rental Car
My insurance covers a rental car in the event of an accident. When asked what kind of car we wanted, we let them know that we had an SUV and would like something comparable......we are now driving a 12 passenger Suburban for the next 10-12 days.

And as soon as one of us gets our CDL, we can drive this beast
"Thank you, Ugg Boots" -Brock

Friday, April 22, 2011

Ed Hardy Shirts are Too Tight

On Wednesday  it was announced that Bud Selig, Major League Baseball Commissioner, had taken over operations of the Los Angeles Dodgers due to growing concerns over the finances and overall operations of the ball team. I don't really have an opinion about this but why stop with the Dodgers?  I have a list of business and entities that I have growing concerns about that would benefit from some MLB leadership. Here is my list and my plea to the Commissioner of things I would like Major League Baseball to take control of.

Good Job, Dodgers!

Jersey Mike's
Mr. Selig, if you could bring 50% of the sanitation standards you bring to restrooms in baseball stadiums across the country to the Jersey's Mikes in my neighbor, it would be a 100% improvement. I would even overlook the fact that my sub sandwich is served with an eye roll and a side of sarcasm.

Ed Hardy
Mr. Selig, if you could get 1-3% of the men in Los Angeles who wear Ed Hardy shirts that are 6 sizes too small to wear baseball jersey's or any other shirt for that matter, you would make me 95-99% happier and less annoyed. I'll even look the other way on the over powering cologne and the douchey driving that these Ed Hardy wearing men seem to possess.

Sexy Accessories!

My Local Dog Park
Mr. Selig, your baseball fields seem to be poop free. Whatever standard you have set seems to be the exact opposite of the standard set at the dog park that I frequent. Please bring this accountability to our local dog parks and my poop free shoes will thank you.

My Grocery Shopping
Mr Selig, this area will require you to take control financially. Although I spend hundreds of dollars a month on groceries I'm not hundreds of dollars less hungry at the end of the month. You seem to be able to keep your baseball stadiums full of delicious staples like hot dogs, nachos, giant pretzels, and ice cream while still having money left over. Please show me how to do the same.

Ball Park Hot Dogs....mmmmmmm!

Green Arrows for Left Hand Turns
Mr. Selig, you don't have to take this over as these don't exist in Los Angeles. You would need to implement this. Don't worry, we will supply the traffic and the left turns. We just need our own little 3rd base coach in the form of a green arrow to wave us through.

Baseballs own green arrow...the 3rd base coach.

And now I wait for MLB's response........

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Safety McPrude

I spend about 45 minutes a day reading Craigslist. I find it to have some of the most entertaining reading out there today. I stumbled along this little Help Wanted ad a few days ago. Intrigued, I had to respond.

Food Truck

Actual Craigslist Help Wanted Ad  for a Food Truck Cook
(I'm not joking)
"We are looking for a skilled cook. The #1 qualification is you must be fast, #2 is high standards #3 you must be able to cook meat. Fine dinning experience is a plus. This is a full time salary position. You must be willing to work hard long hours. The chef has worked in and managed some of the top kitchens in Los Angeles. You must be able to take direction. Reliable transportation to our Commissary in Van Nuys is a must. This is a chance to be on the ground floor of a growing company, future Chef and Sous Chef opportunities."

This is the cover letter I sent with my resume

Dear Sirs: (ok, we all know there is no way this was written by a woman)

This is in response to your Craiglists ad for a Food Truck Cook. Let me just say, "Wow" is as if you are describing me in your ad.
Let me first address your #1 qualification of speed. In my kindergarten class I was 7th fastest out of 18 and that was before high performance running shoes (actually, I think I was wearing saddle shoes that day).  As I have gotten older, I have only become faster. Things I can do at a high rate of speed include: driving, eating a bag of potato chips, and drinking a large Starbucks Ice Tea.

6 kids faster than me

Secondly, let me address your #2 qualification of high standards. Former co-workers have said to me, "Wow, you have really high standards. If only your standards were as high as you are fast". Things I have high standards in include: fashion (I always match my fanny pack with my shoes), cleanliness (it is rare for me to go a week without washing my hair) and safety (I not only wear a seat belt in the car but a helmet, elbow pads and a layer of bug spray, which I'm sure you appreciate in the Food Truck business).

Safety first! Appearance second!
Finally, is my 3rd best quality my ability to cook meat, you ask? One word for you: Iowan. Other things I can cook include: Hot Pockets, Pop Tarts and I can heat up Hot Chocolate. By hiring me your food truck won't get stuck being a one trick pony.
Still not convinced? These are actual nicknames I have had that will support my qualifications: Speedy McRunnyPants, High Standards McGee, T-Bone, Pork-Its Whats for Dinner Malone and Safety McPrude.
In conclusion, the chance to work with tops chefs in Los Angeles as well as having transportation to Van Nuys where I am going to work long hard hours sounds like a dream come true. Sign me up!

Yours truly,
The fastest, high standard meat cooker around with reliable transportation

Still waiting for a phone interview......

Monday, April 18, 2011

Naked Men

Tareq Salahi: star of Real Housewives of DC, White House Party sneaker inner, husband of Michaele Salahi (un-addicted star of Celebrity Rehab) and Playgirl contender.

Well played, Playgirl, Well played!

 According to TMZ, Salahi is in negotiations to do a spread in Playboy. TMZ even has his sample shots (not to be viewed on a full stomach). Although he is adamant about not doing full frontal, to which the entire world let out a collective sigh of relief, rumor has it  he will be photographed riding off into the sunset on a horse. Peta, did you hear that?

Sexy! (on the right)

I'm not opposed to this because of his appearance. I'm sure there are many people who find him attractive, and in all the pictures I have seen of him he is very well groomed and well dressed (except the one where he is not wearing pants). I am opposed to this because I have a very strict policy against viewing douche bags  naked. This policy also applies to Charlie Sheen, warlock.

So who would I rather see naked in Playgirl?

1. Anyone else in the world. (Exception: Charlie Sheen)
2. Anyone I may have inadvertently omitted in #1 (Exception: Charlie Sheen)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

The Pack is Back!

As my week of wearing a fanny pack comes to end, it is met with mixed emotions. Is the  fanny pack lifestyle for you? I will give you a very honest recount of what I endured this week, the good and the bad and I will let you decide.

The fanny pack

Hands Free
The fanny pack enables you to have both hands free at all times. This came in handy especially when a disapproving bystander looked at me, then my fanny pack, then back at me. With both hands free I was able to send said bystander a very clear message with a double bird (or 2 number 1 signs) which was made possible thanks to the fanny pack.
On another note, the people in Neiman Marcus are quite judgemental.

Mistaken Identity
As a fanny packer there is a good possibility you will be mistaken for a Midwesterner. If your lucky, you will be mistaken for an Iowan. An Iowan has all the qualities you could dream to have: honesty, good looks, athletic build, quick wit, and above average intelligence but they are usually recognizable by the fanny pack around their waist.

Look Skinny
A large fanny pack around a smaller waist will make you look even skinnier. Be careful, however, as a small fanny pack around a larger waist will make you look larger. I believe it was Oprah that said over 75% of all women were wearing wrong the size fanny pack....wait, that might have been bras. Regardless, I'm sure the kind ladies at Victoria Secret would be happy to fit you with a fanny pack that compliments your body type.

After a week of research, there is really only one
Ok, I agree, this a big one. I'm sure many of you would rather walk around with a Louis Vuitton or the Birkin Bag, and  truth be told the fanny pack has not yet reached that level of desire with the public. There is still the stigma attached to being a fanny packer and it is not yet hip or trendy to be seen with a fanny pack. Hopefully, this will change in time.

Argument sounds convincing, but where would  I start?
There is only 1 thing to do: Get a fanny pack!
Fellow blogger, University of Iowa graduate and good friend, Ciana Simpson at Keywordshop (a much classier and more informative blog than mine) has agreed, after much begging (me) and sobbing (her) to write a piece titled
"once upon a fanny pack" to help you get started. Thank you, Ciana!

Will any of my celebrity friends be wearing the fanny pack?

Madonna, Rhianna, Brook Shields

A trend setter!

Not yet convince? A few other facts to help you decide....

Socially Acceptable Places to Wear Fanny Packs
Costcos, State Fairs, Dog Parks, Gates at Airports going to Iowa or arriving from Iowa, Tour Buses, Disneyland, My House, Western Bagel, DMV, Home Improvement Stores

Hulk Hogan's shirt says "The Brave" true

Socially Unacceptable Places to Wear Fanny Packs
Neiman Marcus, Lacrosse Games at Private Schools, Fancy Restaurants and/or Hotels, Business Meetings (exception: Business Meetings regarding importing/exporting fanny packs)

The arguments are compelling......who is with me?

Friday, April 15, 2011

Beast It Up!

Brock + Texting = True Love

More than anything, Brock likes to text. He likes to text in the middle of a conversation, he likes to text at dinner, and it is not uncommon for me to receive texts from him while he is in the middle of a game or in class. But recently he has become very agitated while texting due to the word "tomorrow". For the past week he has been spelling "tomorrow" wrong and this infuriates him. I was not aware of this until we had the following conversation.

Brock: (frustrated) %$^*, I did it AGAIN!
Me: Did what?
Brock: I spelled tomorrow wrong.
Me: How did you spell it?
Brock: I keep forgetting the second r.
Me: Big deal.
Brock: (irritated) You don't understand, tomorrow is one of the 5 most common words I text.
Me: Really?
Brock: Yes
Me: (curious) What are the other 4?
Brock: Well let me see.... there's is Sweet..and Dude, Beast (a nickname of one of his players which has turned into a verb), oh yeah and Chillax (a word he knows I hate).
Me: I don't remember ever getting a text from you with any of those words.
Brock: Well, I don't text those to you. Let me show you. (pulls up a text he has sent)
(Text Reads)
Chillax, Dude! Tomorrow's game will be sweet!! Be ready to BEAST IT UP!!!
( did I mention he also really likes to use exclamtion points)
Me: (stunned) Who are you??
Brock: I'm one sweet dude...(goes back to texting)

Beast It Up!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

"Competitive" Sports

Yesterday the LA Times ran an article about the popularity of the sport quidditch on college campuses, a game made popular by the Harry Potter series. According to the Times, "quidditch looks like a haphazard merger of basketball, dodge ball and rugby with the chase between the sneeker and the snitch, adding a measure of hide and seek. It consists of two balls-the quaffle for scoring and the bludger for throwing at opponents like dodge ball. The snitch is a nuetral player that is one part sprinter and one part showman".

I have no comment

Ok, first of all.... "two balls"?....I doubt there are any balls in this game and second, did I mention that the  players ride around on brooms. Never the less, it seems to have following. UCLA and USC have a Quidditch Team. There is an International Quidditch Assn. And although the Times described some team members to be "bookish Harry Potter fans, slightly sluggish as they ran around the field, with a few wearing cloaks and capes" they also mentioned that there were players who "carried themselves like trained athletes, lithe and quick-footed". (Seriously, you have to read the article it is so unintentionally funny) With all that being said, here are 4 games that with the right funding and marketing, that could transition into a college sport, just like quidditch.

Competitive Jacks
Pro: With the ability to be played indoor or outdoor, this popular game can be played year round.
Con: Low participation. Not a lot of 5 year old girls enrolled in college.

5'sys for the win!

Paper Dolls
Pro: A predominately female sport, this would provide increased athletic opportunities for women under Title IX.
Con: The uniforms, most likely made of paper with little flaps to secure them over a players shoulders, will have a hard time standing up in competition and therefore, could be quite costly.


Competitive Breathe Holding Until You Get What You Want
Pro: Winner gets what they want.
Con: Death

I'm Not Touching You
Pro: Designed for players that excel in individual sports, this sport has it all: eye hand coordination, dexterity, and strategy.
Con: High burn out rate.

Let the games begin!

Quote of the day
"If you can convey the awesomeness of quidditch, they can buy into it."
-Spencer Gold, USC team captain, speaking of potential players

Friday, April 8, 2011

The Scone Report: Easter, Nerds, and Twitter

A few items that caught my attention this week.

Easter Bunny Cars
Ok America, I was fine with the reindeer cars. I even went so far as to laugh while I gestured to the "antlers" sticking out of the car windows as I pulled up along side you. I even signalled my approval with a hearty "thumbs up" and a big gap toothed smile. But Easter Bunny cars? That I cannot support.

If you look real close their is a pink fuzzy nose attached to the grill

Really, Chicago?
Charlie Sheen began his one man show this week. It debuted in Detroit where Sheen was booed off stage while half the audience walked out. Thinking this would be the end of this train wreck as his next stop was Chicago (a city that I love) and surely he would be met with............a standing ovation?? I'm not sure what stuns me more: That he was given a standing ovation in Chicago or that Detroit is now the barometer that measures what is acceptable in our world.

After taking Goose on a morning walk, I noticed this little tiny flower than had landed in my hair.


Wondering if Goose had one in his hair/fur I went to check.....

Not sure how I could have missed that.

Ugg Boots
It's no secret that I'm not a fan of Ugg Boots. With that being said, it came as no surprise that in New Hampshire a police sergeant was fired for using funds from the departments uniform account to purchase Ugg boots for his wife. No word yet on whether the firing was due to misappropriation of department funds or due to the poor the choice in footwear.

Conversation we had lunch:
Me: I'm on Twitter now.......
Brock: Why?
Me: So I can get all the news quicker, see......(handing him the phone and showing him the all the tweets)
Brock: Who are these from?
Me: Well, for news I follow Huffingston Post, The Washington Post, CNN Breaking News.....
Brock: Oh....(uninterested goes back to texting on his phone)
Me: (phone beeps that I have a text from Brock)
Text Read:
"This is a special Livingston news feed.....Nerd Alert! You!"
Me: Real nice...
Brock: (giggles)


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

7 Days of Awesomeness

Periodically I will be trying various things and reporting back on my findings. I have the time. My first experiment was to be a vegan for a week. A vegan is someone who doesn't eat anything that is derived from an animal. No meat, dairy, eggs, seafood, and even honey. In extreme cases (not mine), you don't wear anything that is derived from an animal, IE, fur, leather, you get the idea. Below I have written the Pros and Cons to help you decide if this is the lifestyle for you.

Not vegan friendly apparel


Weight loss
This is a big one and fairly easy to do when you're a vegan. Since you really can't eat anything, it is easy to shed the pounds and feel a lot less bloat-y. I stuck with mostly fruit and vegetables which made it that much easier.

Aches and Pains Be Gone
This may have had more to do with a diet of limited processed foods and limited sugar, but I did find that any little aches I had, did diminish. Even that pain in my elbows from clutching my stomach in hunger all but disappeared.

For anyone who has had the pleasure of waiting on a vegan or being behind them in line at a counter/cafeteria/bakery, it becomes quite obvious that vegans are better than everyone else. This is conveyed through the way they proudly, if not condescendingly, announce "I'm a Vegan"  right before asking 57 questions and taking another 40 minutes to order lunch. So for 7 days, I was better than everyone else. That felt good!
Official uniform of a vegan

But it's not all rainbows and kittens and unicorns.........


With limited food choices you are hungry a lot . I did not realize how filling my diet of Funyons, Burgers, Milkshakes was.

 Eye Roll Recipient
Now I have been the giver of many vegan directed eye rolls, but I have to say, receiving them.....stings a little. Whether is was trying to order at a restaurant or making dinner at home it was painful. Thankfully, I didn't have the strength to cry.

Get to Know Your Grocer
As a vegan you will be buying many perishable items, therefore, taking many trips to the grocery store. I was at the grocery store every other day.....until they kindly asked me to leave if all I was going to do was stand near the rotisserie chicken display and smell the chickens.

Still not sure if this is the lifestyle for you?

Famous Vegans
Brad Pitt, Natalie Portman, Prince, Ellen DeGeneres

Still wondering?

Then probably no.

Up Next:
Experiment Fanny Pack: A week in the life of a fanny pack wearer!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Eye of the Tiger

Play this fight inspiring video while reading this post.

After a loss in overtime to a team that they should a beat, Brock, visibly frustrated, came out of the locker room after a post game speech that I can only imagine was very animated.

This is the conversation we had:

Brock: I might be getting fired.
Me: (spoken very slowly) Whhyyy?
Brock: Well, I slapped the wall in the locker room and my hand went through it.
Me: By "slapped" do you mean punched? (see below)

The fact that it is above "strength" is quite poignant
Brock: Yes.
Me: (always the problem solver) Can you just repair it yourself ?
Brock: No, the worst part is it in the middle of a mural....of the football team.....
Me: (adamant on finding a solution)Well, can you blame it on another coach and/or a player, possibly a senior?
Brock: That would be wrong.
Me: Yes, lying to cover up vandalism on the locker room wall is wrong. Did you tell your your boss?
Brock: Yes.
Me: What did he say?
Brock: He said don't make a habit of it.... but not to worry about it. They have to replace the mural anyway.
Me: What was wrong with the mural?
Brock: Well, in addition to the hole I punched, "champions" is spelled wrong. I guess I really dodged a bullet there.
Me: (blank stare)

I'd like to buy a "p", Vanna

Friday, April 1, 2011

Trump for President!

Things are looking up, America! Donald Trump wants to become President. There are several jobs that I would love to have that I'm only marginally qualified for. Here is my wish list of jobs and my qualifications. Let the job offers begin!

You're Hired!

The New "Charlie" on "Two and a Half Men"
1)I live in Los Angeles so there would be no relocation cost.
2) I have seen the show 2-3 times so I am somewhat familiar with the character.
3) With my limited acting experience (none to date) my salary would be less than $2 million per episode, therefore saving the company several thousands of dollars.

I would be replacing the douche bag on the left.

Royalty of Any Kind
1) No arrests (to date) that would cause embarrassment to other members of royal family.
2) Will willingly wear ridiculous hats and will not laugh at other members of royal family wearing ridiculous hats.  (to be honest, there is only a 50% chance of that)

Princess Eugenie and her 'Hat O' Butterflies" and her inexplicably straight face

The New Oprah
1) Gayle easily replaced by Goose as best friend and goofy side-kick.
2) I'm usually free between 3pm-4pm PST.
3) Stedman easily replaced by Brock as long standing boyfriend.

Move over, Gayle, Oprah, Stedman!

The New Face of Chanel
1) My name is synonymous with high fashion.
2) I can stare longingly into the mirror at myself for up to 15 minutes (see below).
3) I would be willing to lose up to 3 pounds if the designers asked, as long as I had 6 weeks.

Blake Lively, the soon to be "former face of Chanel" if I have my way about it.

Plan B: The New Face of Raggedy Ann (probably a better fit)
1) I already have red hair.
2) Skin color almost identical.
3) Brock and I already have the outfits, otherwise known as our "Fancy Saturday Night Clothes".

The resemblance is uncanny!

If anyone needs me, I'll be the one waiting by the phone.