Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Living With Pale

With a 3 day weekend around the corner, I imagine many of you are going to spend time outside enjoying the holiday with friends and family. To make your time spent outside even more pleasurable here are few of my summer time essentials.

To say that I am fair complected is an insult to those that are fair complected. No matter what your complexion is, sunblock is important in keeping those harmful and aging rays off your body. My SPF of choice is 100+. Most people are shocked to learn that SPF goes that high. I am always on the look out for a higher SPF. A week ago when I was in my local drugstore I asked the lady at the counter if she carried anything higher than SPF 100+. She looked at me and dead panned, "Yes, as a matter of fact we do. They are called coats." Which brings me to my next item.....

Yes, they really do make it.

Beach Cover-Ups
I love the beach. No better way to enjoy the sun and sand than in a high neck, long sleeve, full length cover-up. This is also a great way to enjoy that third hot dog or 4th beer.

Don't forget about your hair and scalp in the sun. That is why I always make sure to have my wide brimmed hat on at all times. Hats that work well include, Sombrero, Urban Sombrero, Umbrella Hats, and the under-used Little House on the Prairie Bonnets.

Will some rapper please bring back this look?

A Pale Friend
A long time ago I gave up looking tan. Now I just try not to look like the palest person in the room. You can achieve this look by having a friend that is actually more pale than you. But where to find these pale people? First start with your family, chances are if you are pale you have a sibling that is also pale. As luck would have it, I do. If that doesn't work, check your current friends. You may be too late as you may have already been befriended by people who are trying to do the same thing you are. No luck, check your pet. Does he/she have nice white furry coat? Finally, and really only as a last resort will you want to look for objects to always "accidentally" have around your exposed skin. Although, I am pale I am a lot more tan than say a white piece of copy paper ("just heading to Kinko's!"), cotton balls ("oh, these? Just holding them for a friend"), and Alfredo sauce ("hey, has anyone seen my fettuccine?").

Hey, Bestie!

Now you go bundle up, put on your bonnet, lather on the sunscreen, grab a friend/object and enjoy the 20 minutes of direct sunlight the professionals recommend!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Butter Cow Lady

Duffy and her world famous Butter Cow

Today the world mourns the loss of Norma "Duffy" Lyon, better known as the Butter Cow Lady. Lyon is best known for her sculptures made of butter that on are on display each year at the Iowa State Fair.  Although best known for her annual Butter Cow sculpture, Lyon's artistic talent went far beyond a simple cow. If you haven't been to the Iowa State Fair, please do yourself a favor and go. It will not disappoint. Enjoy the photographic tribute of  her sculptures as we celebrate her life.

STOP: Play Inspirational

A Photographic Tribute
(Yes, these are all made of butter)

Butter Peanuts Gang

Butter Neil Armstrong

Butter Shawn Johnson, an Olympic Iowan

Butter Tiger (left) and Butter Tiger Woods (right)

Butter Last Supper

Butter Harry Potter

Butter Cow and Butter Superman
Sculpt on Butter Cow Lady, Sculpt on.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Happy Camper

Like many of you, Brock and I are trying to make plans for the 4th of July weekend. The airlines have  taken any possibility of visiting a state that isn't bordering CA off the table (tickets to Iowa are $500+). We tossed around the idea of Vegas but hotels are expensive. We considered Arizona, with the heat surely they would have some great bargains, but no. So we have resigned ourselves that we will be staying at home. Until the topic of camping came up........

Exactly how we would look camping..minus the smiles and affection

Brock: What about camping? That's cheap.
Me: Knowing what you know about me, do you think I would like camping? (I was serious)
Brock: (thinking) Some parts... like hiking, being outdoors, camp fires (all true).....but you wouldn't like the bathroom situation and I don't think you would like the tent, you're usually cold. (also, true)
Me: (thinking I was in the presence of a master camper) Can you start a bonfire?
Brock: Yeah.....I mean, I'm pretty sure.
Me: (slightly wary of "master camper" title): Have you ever put up a tent?
Brock: Hmmmmm.......once, I think......I'm sure it's pretty easy. (Keep in mind our new self assembly BBQ has 5 legs)
Me: (feeling duped) Have you ever been camping?
Brock: Sure I have.
Me: When?
Brock: Once when I was 8.
Me: (blank stare)
Brock: It was with Cub Scouts...........
Me: (blanker stare)
Brock: (proudly) It was the Cub Scout Jamboree...

A staycation it is.

I believe it is pronounced "webelo"


Friday, June 24, 2011

4 Ways to Look Fabulous

Being all fashion-y!

A fashion blogger I am not. A fashionista, well, guilty.
Pro-pack, yes, yes and YES! What better accessory to show the versatility of than the beloved fanny pack. I know several of you are still on the fence about this $8.00 purchase but I am confident after seeing the many looks that can be created you will be inspired. Herewith, are my 4 Fanny Pack Looks.

A Trip to Costco
What better way to add ease your Costco's shopping trip than a fanny pack! This hands free purse allows you the flexibility to run your cart into the back of fellow shoppers calves while fighting your way through the free sample line and look stylish doing so! Executive Membership not needed to look this good!

Shirt: Target
Flip Flops: J Crew
Cargo Pants: J Crew

A Trip to the Gym
Looking good and feeling good go hand in hand. Speaking of hands...wouldn't it be great to have both hands free at the gym . Whether you are wiping someone else sweat off a stair climber, checking out your abs in the mirror or running and talking on your cell, everything is better with the use of both hands. Let your fanny pack do the hard work of holding your cell phone (ringer on "high" please, you are at the gym!), your ear buds, your cigarettes, or your change of clothes while you focus on being awesome!

Shirt: Target
Exercise Pants: Nike
Shoes: Nike

Walking Your Dog
Walking your dog is great exercise! But lets face it, your dog is also your cutest accessory. Therefore, don't take attention away from that. Let your dog wear the fanny pack!  Dogs in general are under-accessorized.

Dog: Lab

Day Wedding
Sometimes the best way to wear a fanny pack is not wear one at all. The day wedding is one of those places. Your fanny pack looks best at home in the closet while you enjoy your afternoon out.

Dress: Target
Shoes: JCrew
Watch: Burberry
Charm Bracelet: Vintage

The fanny pack gets two thumbs up from this blogger, because I can!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

My Darkest Hour

Dear Maria Shriver,

You have experienced the ultimate betrayal. Your trusted live in nanny, who you treated like family, had an affair with your husband, got pregnant, had his child and then continued to work for you. Your husband, the Terminator, not only was unfaithful but kept this secret from you for years. You have been wronged by someone you thought you knew and trusted. I am not writing to offer up sympathy, although you have mine. I am writing to tell you a little story about my "wronging" and to let you know there is light on the other side of this tragedy. Bear in mind that my story did not take place in the public eye and did not involve a two-timing, Terminator, cheating husband and a pregnant nanny but it did involve being wronged by someone I trusted. Here goes.

It was a cold winter day at Dunbar Middle School (grades 4-6) and I was a wide-eyed 5th grader with a sunny disposition. We had just finished PE class and were bruised and bloodied from a rousing game of dodge ball. Judging by our scars one of two things had happened, either the dodge balls had just been inflated or the gap between those that were developing early and those that weren't was becoming painfully obvious. I was tired and sweaty from running madly in circles trying to escape dodge ball enemy #1: Chris Cowman, fellow 5th grader. As we retired to our respective locker rooms to change back into our school clothes I went to bench where I had placed my wool sweater, bell bottom jeans and saddle shoes. My clothes were not there. I quietly searched around until I asked my fellow classmates if they had seen my clothes. Nothing. So the 11 of us fanned out to search the locker room and adjoining bathroom. Suddenly, a shriek was let out. We stopped and froze. Then a hesitant voice from the adjoining room said, "I think I found better come quick". Racing over I found my classmate standing over the toilet in the 2nd stall. She looked at me almost apologetic as she said, "I think they are in the toilet". My mind was racing. There is no way someone would throw my clothes in the toilet, I mean I was the 20th most popular person in my class of 27. And then I saw them, my clothes, shoved in the toilet. As quickly as I had identified them, the janitor was called to dispose of them, my parents were called to bring new clothes to school and then as if the shame wasn't already enough....... within an hour a school assembly was called. As we filed into the gym, the PE teacher had a stern look on his face. His speech was quick and pointed.  He talked about respecting people's property, about keeping the names of those effected confidential (although I was the only one sitting there in my gym clothes in the middle of winter), about behaving like ladies and gentlemen, and then the promise. And while he promised to find out whoever committed this act of violence I surveyed the gym. I was looking for guilt or remorse on the faces of my trusted classmates. Who hated my clothes enough to put them in the toilet? A friend? An unknown enemy? The new kid? For the rest of the year I was consumed with the "perp" who had to be, due to the small size of our school, someone I knew and trusted. I watched and waited for any slip up pretending the whispers and gossip didn't hurt. But as time went by so did my desire for finding out who had wronged me. Occasionally, mostly November, I think back to that day and still wonder who put my clothes in the toilet. Although, I will probably never know the scars are still there.***

Maria, although you may be experiencing the darkest of times as I did in the 5th grade, you must know that things get better. In the 6th grade, no one threw my clothes in the toilet. Sure I may trust a little less, I may not make friends as easily, and I may change before I go to the gym. I have, however, gone on to live a happy, healthy, normal life and you will too.

Yours truly,

***This story is written to the best of my 5th grade memory.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Dear Us Weekly

Dear Us Weekly,

A few things you should know about me. 1) I subscribe to your magazine 2) I enjoy all  most things celebrity and 3) I have a fair amount of free time. With that being said, there is not much I don't want to know about Jennifer Aniston, Madonna & George Clooney. I do however realize with the popularity of Reality TV that the lines have been blurred and boundaries grayed with who is actually a "celebrity". As far as that goes, I just politely cruise past your articles on the Kardashians, I turn the page ever so delicately past the review of the new Paris Hilton Show, and have refrained from judgement as you have put the "Teen Mom"/"Pregnant at 16" stars on your cover too many times for me to count but not enough times for me to cancel my subscription (although you are getting close). But I am starting to take issue with your coverage of Pippa Middleton.

I care

I love royalty. I love seeing what they wear. I love seeing how they live. I love seeing how they are "just like us". I agree that Pippa Middleton was stunning at the royal wedding, everything about her was perfect. She is the 2nd most beautiful bridesmaid I have laid eyes on. She seems to be a lovely person who as luck would have it, have a sister who married a prince but however, is NOT ROYALTY. You would think the story would end there. But you, Us Weekly, are trying to make us care about everything she does. You are trying to make us obsessed with someone who's only claim to fame is looking good in a designer dress and having a famous sister. I take umbrage with this. I can't, I won't care!


I can't care about "Pippa's Royal Street Style" ,

Street Style? Really?

Oh, England  you and your fancy "Street Style"

I don't care  how fast she ran the 1/2 marathon,

I guess she is "just like us"

I don't care "Which Star Should Pippa Date", as you ask me to chose between Ryan Reynolds, Jake Gyllenhaal, Justin Timberlake, and Bradly Cooper.

I voted for Jake Gyllenhaal....twice...but that is not the point.

And now you want to me to believe that she and Prince Harry are maybe, just possibly involved......

WHAT! She is maybe, kind of, sort of dating Prince Harry....I need details and 100% more coverage of this budding romance. STAT!

Yours Truly,

Monday, June 13, 2011

Who Moved My Blueberry Cheesecake?

Welcome to the working world, Class of 2011 College Graduates. Your future is bright and you are full of sunshine, rainbows and fuzzy kitties. I'm sure you have gotten tons of great advice as you enter the "real world". I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't help you navigate this scary new place. Having spent several years in management (yes, restaurant management counts), I do have something to offer to you. As you enter the work force there are a lot of things to know: where do I put my coat when I arrive at work, where are the bathrooms, when do I eat lunch, and what do these big words people are using mean. That's where I come in. You see, there is the actual definition and then the real meaning of the words. Fear not, Braniacs, I'm here to help.

Welcome to the rest of your life

Actual Definition: the capacity for or the act of entertaining ideas
What this really means: A bunch of people from corporate sit around for days in a brain storming session. The session usually results in removing the strawberry topping off the cheesecake and replacing it with blueberry topping, viola, ideation!

Pure Genius!

Actual Definition: the promoting of a product or service by associating it with a particular brand
What this really means: Couponing, specifically "BOGOs" (buy one get one free)

Succession Planning
Actual Definition: the determination of who is next in line for your/a position
What this really means: You're either going to get promoted or fired, but probably fired

Bench Strength
Actual Definition: strong players in support roles who are being developed and/or ready to take on bigger roles
What this really means: Explains why the Dallas Mavericks won last night and the Miami Heat didn't

Worth every penny!

Actual Definition: someone who does not eat/wear any animal product or by product
What this really means: asshole

Think Outside the Box
Actual Definition: exercise your mind by coming up with alternate solutions
What this really means: think outside this very small box but stay in this slightly bigger box, nobody likes a wacko

"Let's Table That"
Actual Definition: postponing of certain topics or discussions
What this really means: the conversation is making corporate uncomfortable

Actual Definition: short for "sauce on the side", also "dressing on the side"
What this really means: sauce on the side and/or dressing on the side, this isn't rocket science

SOS stands for sauce on side

You're Welcome.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Oh, Weiner

This is Rep. Weiner's actual Twitter profile picture, I find this equally as offensive.

 As far as I can see, Democratic Rep. Anthony Weiner had two major missteps in this entire scandal. One, he used Twitter incorrectly and made his sexy photo public. Two, he has the misfortune of having the worst possible last name for this type of scandal. I guess the only good thing about his name is that his first name isn't Dick. But here is where I sympathize with Rep. Weiner, like Weiner I have told fibs to prevent myself from embarrassment. Now granted, nothing comes  close to sending foxy pictures of myself to my Internet "friends" while representing the state of New York. They are however embarrassing.

Last month I did a cleanse and went grocery shopping a day after the cleanse ended. One of my purchases was a bag of Lays BBQ Potato Chips. I got home at 5pm and by 6:15pm I had eaten about 3/4 of the bag. When I realized this, I quickly put it away (in the back of cupboard) because as you know it is only disgusting if you eat the entire bag. When Brock got home he asked if I had purchased and eaten most of the bag of potato chips. I quickly said "No, those have been in there for weeks". Later when I got up from the couch and had a potato chip crumb outline of my body, I confessed.

Serving Size: 1

When I get on the treadmill or stair climber at the gym it asks for my weight. Although I don't weigh myself very often I do have a fairly good idea of what I weigh....and it is at least 5lbs more than what I type into the treadmill. But as I run/climb I can't take the pressure of the treadmill staring at me and mocking me with inaccurate "calories burned". I usually stop it and reset it. Don't judge me.

Ok, 119lbs looks about right

Work Professional: Do you floss regularly/change your contacts bi-weekly/contribute to your 401k/change your oil every 3k-5k miles/change your filters every season/conduct self exams?
Me: Of course I do
Work Professional: Based on my finding you appear to be lying.
Me: Can you repeat the question?

Plaque and tartar free!

Misspellings: Stair climber, professional
Correct Spellings: BBQ, Chips, Potato 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Bee '11

I'm sure you were all glued to ESPN on June 2nd, as the 2011 National Spelling Bee (The Bee, as hipsters call it) took place.  With 274 Spellers, or "Bee-ers" as I like to call them, flocking to Washington DC, the competition was fierce. In the end it was Sukanya Roy, an 8th grader from Pennsylvania who took home the $30,000 dollar prize (I had no idea either) by correctly spelling "cymotrichous".

 Sukanya won because her competitors couldn't spell the following words:


What a bunch of dumb asses.  Don't feel bad kids, these are the words I misspelled this week:

Gatorade (I'm not even sure why this is in my vocabulary)
misspelled (ironic)
restaurant (this one is particularly e-m-b-a-r-r-a-s-s-i-n-g)

Somebody had to say it.

As if her performance wasn't impressive enough this is what the website profile said about Sukanya:
"Sukanya enjoys hiking, rock climbing and ice skating. She was selected to go to Panama this summer with her school’s ecology club to learn more about the rain forest. A pianist, Sukanya also plays violin in her school’s orchestra. She won first place in the individual portion of the Northeast Pennsylvania Chapter Mathcounts Competition. Last summer, she was selected to participate in Jeopardy! Kids Week at the regional level. Sukanya speaks Bengali, and every summer travels to India to visit family. She hopes to pursue a career in international relations. Sukanya participated in the 2009 and 2010 Scripps National Spelling Bees, tying for 12th place in 2009 and 20th place in 2010."

Yes, but can you spell "restaurant"?

I was shocked when I read her profile as it is almost identical to my 8th grade profile:
"Ginger Scone enjoys french braiding her hair, eating cookie dough and putting stickers on her new Trapper Keeper. Selected as lunch monitor on every 5th Tuesday during the Spring months Ginger enjoys the added responsibility. An avid TV enthusiast, she can be found on the couch with her trusty side kick, the TV Guide. After winning the Bicentennial Costume Contest a few years back for her life-like portrayal of Betsy Ross, Scone no longer competes in contests. Although English is her first language, she just recently mastered the difference between who and whom and your and you're. Ms. Scone hopes to pursue a career in law enforcement but let's be honest will probably end up in a dead end career like the restaurant business."

Hi, Sexy

Disclaimer: Any misspellings in the post are written to display the authors cheeky sense of humor. If no misspellings are found then "Suck It, Bee-ers!"

Friday, June 3, 2011

Smell Ya Later!

Ground Breakers!

I have only seen about 7 minute of the Khloe and Lamar Show and in that 7 minutes it showed them picking out perfume bottles for their new unisex scent, Unbreakable. I was not aware that couples are coming up with their own perfume. Brock and I do not want to miss this trend. Who knows how long before we are the next "It Couple" and/or "Reality Star". I want to be ready when we get the call. So after noodling on this for a day, here are the 3 scents I have come up with that best embody us as a couple.

Broc-lie, Eau de Parfum
Inspiration: Brangelina, Bennifer, Klomar
Top Note: Sunscreen & Protein Powder
Middle Note: Moisturizer & Lacrosse Stick
Base: Sweet Corn & Gatorade
Bottle: Broccoli Shaped (Crystal)
Slogan: Fancy Meets Not So Fancy

One sexy scent!

Punch Body Mist
Inspiration: Various holes in the wall
Top Note: Drywall & Deer Musk
Middle Note: Spackle & Jack Daniels
Base: Rage & Gardenias
Bottle: Clenched Fist (Tempered Glass)
Slogan: Like a Punch in the Face, Literally

Smells Spackle-y!

Unwieldy, Eau de Toilette
Inspiration: Khloe and Lamar's Unbreakable
Top Note: Pale Skin and Freckles
Middle Note: Green Ice Tea and Lavender
Base: Bicep Curls
Bottle: Dumbbell Shaped (Recycled Glass)
Slogan: (whispered in a sexy voice) Unwieldy, Meaning Cumbersome

Yes, freckles are as beautiful as they smell.

Can someone get Calvin Klein on the phone?