Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween

Many people have questioned how I use my free time and quietly wondered/judged if its time I go back to work and do something productive for society. In other news, this is the Halloween costume I made for my dog.

Lacrosse Player!

Maverick dominates any game he is in.

Check out that flow!

I love my helmet!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Forever Lazy

As the weather turns to cold and festive decorations go up, our thoughts turn to the holidays and gift giving. To give you a jump on your shopping this year, 3 readers (yes, there are 3, don't act so surprised) have turned me on to some wonderful unique gifts for those "hard to buy for" people on your shopping list.

This idea was brought to me by my friend and fellow red head, Alexandra who owns Red's Classic Barbershop, with her husband Michael. That's them pictured, not really but I do imagine them on their deck dressed just like this.

In a nut shell, Forever Lazy bills itself as the authority on staying cozy and warm. This one piece jumper/pajama keeps you warm from head to toe while you (according to their commercial) play with your dog, attend football games, jump up and click your feet together with 2 friends, sit by the fire, or read a good book. It really has everything including a tear away back side for bathroom going and an offer of 2 Forever Lazy's plus socks all for the price of $29.99. I guess when considering putting this item on your wish list, you must first decide if being cozy is more important to you than looking like a  normal functioning member of society. With that being said, I can only say that with this gift, it truly is better to give than receive.

 This was brought to me by my friend, Ugg hater, and fellow University of Iowa graduate, Ciana. Ciana writes , a fashion and beauty blog that is shockingly much classier and more informative than mine.

It appears that cozy is the theme this holiday season!

At $330, this Liv boot is described on the  as:
"Channel your inner Coco with this stage ready style. Our tall boot is dressed up with knit legwarmer, an asymmetric sheepskin fold-over and studded buckle straps. What a feeling!"

I'm not sure what "feeling" they are going for, but I would be feeling a little resentful if my boot was dressed better than me. What with its fur trimmed sweater, big chunky belt, and stage ready style. Hey, fancy boot, you suck.

My mom brought this to my attention after visiting me and seeing me struggle with poop pick-up and disposal that 2 dogs with active bowels can create.

Evidently, this wand-like apparatus contains a special capsule that when combined with poop at a high speed turns said poop into ash. Its as simple as hovering the wand over the poop, pushing a bottom that activates the poop pick-up and then pushing another button that starts the "ashing". Sadly, this is still in the concept phase. Thanks for nothing, Future. Now, if they can get this disintegrate those Liv boots this will move to the top of my list.

Monday, October 24, 2011

I Am Benjamin Buttons

The youthful, Benjamin Buttons

As most of you know I am in my late 30's (so late that some might consider me to be in my 40's, those people I refer to as "wackos").  Anyway, with the passing of each year I have discovered different things you can do to look and feel younger than your years may indicate. Here are things I do to keep looking and acting young.

1). I eat healthy. Unless of course, I am sitting at McDonald's eating a super-size fry and 20 piece McNugget, which is only 2-3 times a week.

2). I always eat vegetables. I mentioned the McDonald fries in #1 or as I like to refer to them, Healthy Sticks.

3). I always eat fruit. Ketchup is made of tomatoes, tomatoes are a fruit and what do you dip your Healthy Sticks in? Ketchup, duh.

4). I get 8 hours of sleep per night. If you can't get 8 hours of sleep just do everything half ass for 16 hours, its just like resting. Your body will thank you, your boss....not so much.

5). I avoid the sun. If you think I'm joking, you should see me in shorts.

6). I shop at Forever 21. Dressing 15-20 younger is a great way to look and stay youthful. I'm pretty sure 75% of you can pull that off.

7). I exercise. Unless I'm sitting on the couch watching TV, even then though, I at least try to think about exorcising.

8). I own carnival mirrors. Not the fat ones, the tall skinny ones.

9). I drive fast. I race up and down my street avoiding stop signs, generally around 7:45am and 2:45pm. Wait a second, that's not me......that's actual young people that attend the school across the street. I'm actually the one calling and complaining to the school administration.

10). I listen to rap music. Not 80's rap but the hard core gangsta rap that kids listen to these days. For added youthful effect played at loud volumes while driving around town.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Lazy Susans

We live near a community college that happens to have a very vibrant agricultural program and a couple of acres of "farm" land the college uses for crops and livestock. Try not to be too jealous. Each October the college blocks off a large area for a 4 week long Pumpkin Festival complete with trampolines, hayrides, festive decor including but limited to the likes of gourds and squash, and a potpourri of autumnal foliage. This is our conversation as we drove by the Pumpkin Patch.

Brock: I bet those really remind you of Iowa.
Me: What reminds me of Iowa?
Brock: All those Lazy Susans.
Me: What are you talking about?
Brock: The Lazy Susans out there in the field, you know those flowers with the brown in the center and the yellow on the outside.
Me: You mean Sunflowers?
Brock: Where do you get Sunflowers???
Me: That's the name of those flowers. They are called Sunflowers not Lazy Susans.
Brock: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, because they look like the sun.
(A few minutes goes by in silence)
Brock: You know that scrabble game I'm playing with the Math teacher?
Me: Yeah..
Brock: Well, I think he's cheating.
Me: Why do you think that?
Brock: He is using words I have never heard of......I think he is making them up.
Me: What's the score?
Brock: I'm behind by about 200 points.
Me: How is that even possible?
Brock: I accidentally hit "pass" a couple times.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

No Reservations

Today Huffington Post ran an article by regarding the 10 Most Controversial Restaurant Policies. Now I have spent a lot of time in restaurants enforcing unpopular policies with the use of words like, "we suggest" or "we recommend" or my favorite, "for your benefit". I have also spent  equal amount of time breaking policies that I deemed unjust, for example,  I will generally seat an incomplete party (I'm not God) or put a 20 top in a slot for a 2 top....on a 7:30......and I probably won't get a phone number to confirm. With that being said, I will take an objective view of these so called policies and offer what I can only imagine to be the final say.

10 Most Controversial Restaurant Policies

No Kids:
I Disagree: Why even have brooms if there is no one to tear their meal into little tiny microscopic pieces and place them on the floor?

No Substitutions:
I Disagree: A chronic substituter myself, I am owed the right to take my Chop Salad and substitute it all the way into a Cheese Burger. Deal with me.

Auto-Grats for Large Groups:
I Agree: If  75% of people can't find Canada on a map***, what percent do you think can calculate 20% of a restaurant check? Tip your servers, people!

No Reservations:
I Agree: If 75% of people can't find Canada on a map and 98% of people can't calculate 20% of a restaurant check***, what do think the chances are that that Host in their late teens/early 20's can calculate the table turn-time of the early seating to ensure that your reservation of 20 in December at 7:30 will be ready 15 minutes early to allow you time to decorate the table in festive holiday decor?
Answer: .009% Chance

Credit Card to Hold Reservations:
I Agree: People are rude and don't have the common courtesy of calling and letting a restaurants know
they have had a change in plans. Credit cards prevent, in my experience, the credit card is never actually charged.....suckers!

No Cell Phones/Cameras:
I Disagree: Do you really expect me to sit there and talk to the person I'm dining with? What am I? Some sort of animal?

Dining Time Limits:
I Disagree: Just don't be a jerk about it. If you know that you are going to be at the table the entire night, tip accordingly. If the restaurant offers to buy you a drink at the bar after you have been sitting at the table with a paid check for at least 1 hour, take the free drink and don't be offended.

Dress Codes:
I Agree: Have you seen the People of Wal-Mart website? Yes, there should be a dress code...EVERYWHERE.

No Standing at the Bar:
I Disagree: What are you...Un-American?

Cash Only:
I Disagree: How can we spend money we don't have on important things like Chicken Piccata, Tuna Tartare, and Dixie Chicken if a restaurant doesn't accept credit cards. What is it, the 1800's?

***Made up statistics meant to add drama and shock to prove my point.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Scrabble App

No doubt that Brock and I will be remembered as two of the most prolific spellers of our generation. It is our love of the English language and our zest for grammar which feeds our soul. Therefore, it was no surprise that Brock came home excited about the new iphone Scrabble app that he down loaded. This app allows you to have ongoing Scrabble games with multiple people around the world, or in Brock's  case, the Math teacher at the school he works at. The game was going something like this....

Brock: Hey, is "tinso" a word?
Me: Can you use it in a sentence?
Brock: I like tinso on my Christmas tree.
Me: No, its tinsel.
Brock: Ok..... what is a word that starts with "Xm"?
Me: I don't think there is a word.
Brock: Really? That sucks.
Me: Sucks big time. 
Brock: Ok then, how about a word that starts with "Zr".
Me: I don't think that word exists, either.
Brock: This game is hard.
Me: I know, right?
Brock: Is there "u" in  "Kwanzaa"?
Me: No. What's the score by the way?
Brock: 198-49.........I have the 49.

Tinso, in a variety of colors

Thursday, October 6, 2011


My donations paid for this building.

Dear University of Iowa Alumni Association,

This is long over due but I am writing to thank-you. Why, you may ask? Many reasons.

First, a big thank you for always being the first to welcome me to a new residence. Since I left Iowa City, I have moved 8 times. I'm not sure how you do it but you are always the first piece of mail I receive at my new home. No matter where I go or how many times I move you, there you are with your newsletter waiting my arrival. Now that I think about it, how do you do it? I mean, I'm not updating my address with are not contacting me via email.....actually, this is kind of creepy if you think about it.

Secondly, thank you for your nightly phone calls. I apologize I am not answering them, but I know its you checking up on me. Here's the deal, that last newsletter that went out was a plea for all alumni to donate money and a heads up that you would be reaching out to us via phone. Not that I don't want to talk, its just that I have no money to donate to you and I thought after a few weeks of unanswered phone calls you would understand that. But kudos to you and your Midwestern persistence, because we care currently going on 9 weeks worth of unanswered phone calls. Just so you know, I won't be answering until I have money to donate and with my current lack of income that may be awhile. On another note, how did you get my cell number?

And finally,  a heart felt thank-you for all the Department Newsletters and the Alumni Magazine I receive from you each  month. I'm not sure what I enjoy more, the all the Sociological Research that is going on in my field or the "Where Are They Now" section in the Alumni Magazine that features graduates with impressive resumes. In my defense and not to toot my own horn, but the research I have been involved in since graduation has been pretty impressive. For example, I discovered the combination of Funyons (even when tested with a placebo) and Dr. Pepper creates a large amount of intestinal pain. Also, my work in the area of sun exposure is world renown, scientist are still baffled by ability to be exposed to the sun but yet stay the palest shade of white. I realize these are still controversial findings and probably not something you would not want to showcase in the "Where Are They Now" section, but that doesn't stop from enjoying all the success my former classmates have had in conventional, all be it boring, fields. I can hardly wait until the November Issue to find out if another former Hawkeye has been promoted to VP of Bank! Fingers crossed!

Hats of to you, UI Alumni Association for staying in contact and refusing to give up on me! And God willing, your reward one day will be that $15 donation that you have spent over 240 hours trying to secure.

Ginger Scone

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


Are you sitting down? Don't just say you're sitting down, actually sit down. The world was rocked today with news that Justin Bieber's Swagger Coach has left him to pursue bigger and better things. Although I can't imagine what would be bigger and better than the Biebs Swagger Coach, the fact remains Bieber is without a Swagger Coach. Although Ryan Good's (no relation) official title was "Road Manager",  an article in the Huffington Post today has Bieber describing their relationship as such, "I have a swagger coach that helps me and teaches me different swaggerific things to do," Bieber said in 2010, adding, "He has helped me with my style and just putting different pieces together and being able to layer and stuff like that."

Wow, profound.

I'm not quite sure what impact this news will have the rest world but I for one, will miss these "swaggerific looks".

These big old lady glasses and hair cut scream "swagger".

Swagger Lesson #2: Make a heart with your hands!

No, trust me, keep brushing your hair towards your face

Fingers crossed that the new Swagger Coach will
make him keep his shirt buttoned.

Yes, yes and yes! The fake mustache!

Bieber with his Swagger Coach....the final piece to this
puzzle is solved!

This reminds me, I should really pay my "Rad Coach" more money.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Juror #6

I had the opportunity to spend the past week with the cream of the crop that Los Angeles County has to offer. Yes, jury duty. Imagine my delight and excitement when I was selected to be on the jury. Why was I selected? Because I didn't have these helpful hints, which all but 11 of my fellow citizens had, in how to avoid being selected. You're welcome.

1. Cry while in the jury box. Not over a question or anything reasonable like that, just randomly cry.

2. Exhibit bat shit crazy behavior.

3. You know when you nod your head to indicate "yes" or "no" to a question? Don't fully commit to the "yes" nod or the "no" nod when the judge asks you a question, do a hybrid nod that results in moving your head in a circular motion.  Works best if your arms are folded and you blink your eyes very rapidly and in an exaggerated manner. (See #2)

4. When asked if you have ever been committed of a crime, have a laundry list of felonies at your disposal. It may take years to amass such an impressive criminal resume but it will all be worth it in the end.

5. Be confused by every possible question posed to you. For example:
Judge: Does anyone need a break?
Juror #6: I don't understand the question?
Judge: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
Juror #6: Can you be more specific?
Public Defender: I would like to thank and excuse Juror #6.

6. Appear to have some deep seeded issue with the Beverly Hills Police Department. An issue that resulted in your arrest or an arrest of family member, preferably your mother's arrest.

7. Return from the lunch break drunk. Disclaimer: this will not get you out of jury duty but will get your service postponed which is probably best anyway because in a few hours you will be too hung over to listen to testimony.

8. Express shock that the trial starts tomorrow because you have another engagement that you can't cancel. Depending on the mood of the judge, this may or may not get you excused but will most definitely get you hated by all other jurors.

9. Use the breaks to go to the restroom and wash your feet, using the sink as a foot soak (must be limber to accomplish this). Word quickly gets out that you are showing signs of #2.

10. Clap every time you see some from law enforcement (this includes the bailiff).

Count 1: Driving under the Influence
Verdict: Guilty

Count 2: Driving with a BAC of .08 or higher
Verdict: Guilty