Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Always a Bridesmaid

 I finally got around to seeing Bridesmaids.  I can bore you with my somewhat pedestrian review of the movie but I'm sure you don't care that I thought opening sex scene was too easy and obvious and goes on about 3 minutes too long for my taste. I'm sure you already know that the funny parts of the movie were laugh out loud funny and that the slow parts (about 25% of the movie) were painfully slow. I'm sure you have read that Melissa McCarthy stole every scene she was in and is this summers break out star. I doubt you care that I would have rather had Amy Poehler play the bride than Maya Rudolph as I have never found Rudolph very funny.

I think what you really want is to see pictures of me in bridesmaids dresses at various weddings.

Up until now this blog has really only served 1 purpose and that is to embarrass myself through stories and pictures. What about Brock, you say? I'm sure as soon as he figures out I have a blog there is a 20% chance that he too will be embarrassed. But today I will embarrass many of you who have made the mistake of asking me to be in your wedding or been in a wedding with me. Now walk with me if you will down memory lane and enjoy!

High school friends, Dave and Suzanne. This could have easily been in my post about bangs.

Childhood friend, Michelle, 2 minutes before I pulled a hammy from that high kick

Fellow bridesmaid and college friend, Steph in our friends wedding. This was the weekend that OJ Simpson was arrested.

My sister's wedding. My look is a little creepy. Her hair took 2.5 hours.

My friend Mary at her Las Vegas wedding. We are waiting down by valet to see if our tans are arriving.

My college friend's Baltimore wedding. Drink of the night: Jolly Rancher shooters.

Brother's Iowa wedding, not yet embarrassed about my hairstyle in this one...give me time.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

My Most Dangerous Job

I did not know who Irishman, Neil Lennon, was until this week. He is the coach of Glasgow Celtic Football Club (I believe it is pronounced "soccer") and reportedly has the most dangerous job in all sports. According to the Huffington Post he has held his job for two years and now has round the clock protection, a panic room in his house, safe houses for his family, has received bombs and bullets in the mail, was assaulted on the sidelines, and receives numerous death threats via the Internet. The sentiment is that he will either resign or be removed by the organization for his own safety. In other words, this is one tough nut.

Neil Lennon. Stay strong, my Ginger friend, stay strong.

With all due respect to Lennon, he isn't the only pale skinned, redhead who has had to endure less than ideal and dangerous work conditions. I too, was one tough nut.

It was a perfect Iowa Spring day and I, at 16 years old, had just finished my first job interview. I had never felt more alive and full of optimism with the thought of spending the next 3 months working at my dream job.  The wait was excruciating and almost seemed unfair. Then I received a phone call offering me the role of a lifetime, working at the AW Root Beer! Had a luckier girl ever lived? I thought not.
As soon as I started the job the honeymoon quickly ended and I realized just how dangerous this summer job was going to be.

The Money
At $1.33 per hour (minimum wage in Iowa at the time) plus tips this put me in an entirely new social class and gave me access to a new, exciting and dangerous lifestyle. I now was able to put 1-2 gallons of gas in my car and could go where ever I wanted until 11pm. "Super size it"  became part of my vocabulary, what was $.70.  Movies were no longer the Sunday night Disney variety that were only shown on TV, I could afford the movie theatre and if it weren't for all my freckles I probably could have passed for 17 and actually seen an R rated one. I was the Lindsey Lohan of my time...reckless, fun-loving, and danger prone. I was living too fast for my young age.

The Perks
"You can have all the root beer you want".....no greater words had I ever heard. Do you have any idea what 132oz of root beer will do to a 16 year old during their shift? It is like working drunk: little concentration, lack of focus, giggling uncontrollably, stumbling and then you crash. But that wasn't the worst, then the addiction came, I couldn't work without it, I thought about it all the time, I craved it, I needed  it to function. It became my dirty little secret.

Imagine this, only bigger.

The Uniform
The uniform was tan pants and a brown and white striped short sleeve button up shirt with a little brown ribbon tied under the collar. They might as well have dressed us in a grease filter. If you take  the amount of smell and grease that soaked into my uniform and hair and combine it with the June - August mosquito population you have death wish. The 15 yard run to my car after my shift became something out of horror movie...me running with my mug of root beer and 1.2 million bugs swarming around me.

The Menu
The menu consisted of 3 types of burgers: The Baby Burger, The Mama Burger and the Papa Burger.
It consisted of 10 different shakes and root beer floats. It had the best onion rings around. It had pork tenderloins, corn dogs and hot dogs. You get the picture. And for every shift you worked you received a free meal. One hot afternoon, my friend/co-worker and I decided we were going to combine our meals. We were both products of growing up eating very healthy: fruits, vegetables, homemade sweets, little processed foods, homemade jams, canned food, etc. Until fate smiled on us and gave us access to free fast food. Our meal consisted of Onion Rings, a Blueberry Shake, Mama Burger (split), A Corn Dog, Lemon Pie and the usual drink (60oz of root beer a piece). Now, I have had my appendix burst and let me tell you, my friends, that was a treat compared to cramping and aching we endured that July afternoon.

Why, yes please

And to this day, two things are true. 1) I still love AW Root Beer and 2) It is still my favorite restaurant job!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Party's Over

Monday night we had a Graduation party for Brock. Here is how it went.

Number of party guests

Average age of party goers
(this makes the rest more ridiculous)

How fast can 38 people eat 45 hamburgers and 12 hot dogs

Best item a party guest brought
2, 4' speakers

Number of times Thunderstruck by AC/DC was played

Number of times the cops came

Number of jello shots needed for a party of 38

Hello, College, I have missed you

Number of pissed off neighbors
All - 2 that were invited = A lot

Fine for a 3rd visit from the cops

How old is too old for a keg stand
(actual age undetermined)

No comment

Time I went to bed

Time party ended

Number of holes I found in the wall the next morning

The excuse was that this a result of a "hug gone wrong"

But it looks suprising similiar to this. See post Eye of the Tiger

Time the last party guest left
11am Tuesday

In other words, we had a blast!

Monday, May 23, 2011

It's A Party!

Tomorrow Brock graduates from college. Tonight we party. Always one to protect myself legally, there are a few rules for tonights' party. The waiver below will be posted on our front door and by entering into our house you have hereby entered into a legally binding contract. Failure to head advice may result in early dismissal from the party.


Please be advised that Management (Me) is not responsible for the actions of one Brock Livingston after 9pm or 4 Jack & Cokes, which ever comes first. ***

These actions include but are not limited to:
Excessive Hugging
Reckless Dancing
Singing Journey Songs (loudly)
Aggressive High-Fiving

Safety First! Stretch before High-Fiving Brock.

Also be advised to avoid the following conversations:
The Dallas Cowboys
Danica Patrick
Ugg Boots
Arguing that Thunderstruck by AC/DC isn’t the greatest song ever made
 Redskins’ owner Dan Snyder

Isn't that Joe Gibbs?

Furthermore, avoid engaging Brock in the following activities:
A Dance Off
A Text Off
Staring Contest
A Shoot Off (Lacrosse)
A Sing Off
Beer Chugging

Stare down!

***If for some reason you find yourself in any one of the above situations, the safe word is “BANANA”

In other words, party at your own risk!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Edward Scissorhands

I have been going to my hair stylist for about 4 years and have always enjoyed her goth-y, sci-fi, quirky personality. Yesterday, however, the differences between her and I seemed be greater than normal and at several points in the conversation I didn't know what or how to respond.

Not actual Hair Stylist
Awkward Moments in the Conversation

"I went to the Zombie Walk last week downtown. Did you know they now make fake blood that you can put in your mouth? I think it's non-toxic."

"A couple weeks ago I went to the desert for an apocalyptic event that was sponsored by an artist. I wore a long satin black robe type gown, ruined it with all the sand."

"I have a busy weekend coming up. First the Renaissance Fair then Magic Mountain."

"I rented a French movie for a dinner party I had last night but the sex scenes were pretty graphic and I had to turn it off. I didn't know the guests very well, it was awkward."

Zombies on the way to their day job at the Salon

But then she started to make sense and our differences disappeared.

Un-awkward Moments in the Conversation

"Your hair is awesome."

Not my actual "Awesome" hair, but very similar

Friday, May 20, 2011

Mexico is Bringing Sexy Back!

The Scone Report: Here are a few tidbits I found amusing this week.

Hey There, Fancy!
There is a fashion trend that has swept Mexico. Described as "half-Aladdin, all Vegas" these very long (some up to 5 feet!), pointy cowboy boots are sexy if not anything else. Seen mostly in clubs and disco's, no one quite knows where they originated from but those without them are realizing it's hard to find a dance partner in their "short" cowboy boots. At $34 per pair they are bought and decorated with glitter, sequins, butterflies, lights or whatever else you can imagine. Although at that price point, the boots are not accessible to everyone and some quick thinking youngsters have taken to making their own out of garden hoses. Move over, Uggs, there is a new boot to hate!

Sexy is officially back!

I'm a Bit of a Foodie

AOL published an article on the "Best and Worst Veggie Burgers for Grilling". They graded the veggie burgers on the following: taste/flavor, texture, aroma, and burger-likeness. I also ran my own test and here are my results.

The 10 Worst Veggie Burger for Grilling
1-10) Any Veggie Burger Ever Made

The 10 Best Veggie Burger for Grilling
1-10) I think it is pronounced "Bacon Double Cheeseburger"

This is one good Veggie Burger

Doodle of the Year!
Today Google named the winner of their "Doodle 4 Google" contest. Out of 107,000 entries, it was Mateo Lopez, age 7, whose drawing took the top spot and is now on display on Googles' home page.

Ok, I guess

Although Lopez was up against some stiff competition, he did not encounter the artistic talent of a younger me (age 7).

Sadly, this self portrait is better than you think

Its All in the Details!

As soon as I get around to publishing my coffee table book on mailboxes in Los Angeles, this one will be on the cover.
The genius of this is that it belongs to a 5 bedroom, brick house with a pool.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Don't Be That Guy

Have you ever met that guy?

When I worked in a restaurant I came accross "that guy" a lot. He (sometimes a she) is a person that can't seem to do or understand very obvious tasks while dining out. This forces you to discuss his/her inability to grasp obvious concepts with your co-workers. These discussions usually take place in the server station, in the kitchen or in the dishroom. They go something like this.

"Can you believe that guy at table 13? He asked for a cheeseburger hold the cheese. When I said "you mean a hamburger", he said, "no, a cheeseburger without the cheese"."

This is not a hamburger. This is a cheeseburger hold the cheese.

or like this.....

"You see that guy on the patio, this is the third time I had to return his omlette, something about it being to egg-y."

sometimes they travel in groups....

"You see those guys sitting in the 30's, they asked for seperate checks and then said they are in a hurry to leave."

That guy usually fails to find the bathrooms that have a huge sign over it, can't find the check that has been placed at the table for over 20 minutes and seem to work on the simple formula (5 actual minutes = 20 perceived minutes + one loud complaint to manager = discounted food).

I can't find the restrooms, this sign is in the way.

So I got to thinking, restaurants can't be the only place that run into that guy. That guy must go banks, the gym, grocery stores, etc.

Then I thought, is it possible that I could be that guy when I go someplace I'm not as familiar with? No, there is no way I'm that guy because 1) I follow all posted rules 2) I try to be effecient and considerate of others people's time 3) I'm and Iowan and finally 4) that guy is annoying and I'm a pleasure to be around.

And then I went to the Home Depot yesterday and did the following things.

After searching for a cart for over 10 minutes, I found the most gnarly looking thing that was half cart/half beast which screeched the entire time I pushed/pulled it around ,which happened to be a mere 45 minutes.

This picture looks like my cart sounded.
After pulling my cart-beast around for the first 15 minutes, I couldn't find the outdoor lightbulbs. That's when I  caught the attention of one of the many employees who, if I didn't know better was trying to avoid me,  and she kindly pointed  me in the direction of my lightbulbs which oddly enough were 2 inches to the left of where I was standing. We had a good laugh over that one.

When I arrived at the self check out counter, I went up to one that had been open for a while and proceeded to check-out only to discover I had gotten the wrong lightbulbs. That was no problem as the cashier said she would hold my spot, the 5 people in line were nice and didn't mind. One even told me I was #1.

See, the line wasn't too long.

Once I retuned to my check out station, I tried repeatedly to find the debit machine to pay for my items. It appeared it was hiding under the big yellow sign that said, "CASH ONLY" (which I had none of). But that too was ok since the cashier was there to help me and let me cut in front of about 6 people.

What a relief  it is to realize that I'm not that guy.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Highway to the Dangerzone

Play Music...

For the second time in 2 weeks, we were in another accident. This one was a little more exciting. It was also a little less damaging to "our" vehicle which happened to be a Kia loaner car from the collision center that is repairing our Toyota for the 3rd time from the last accident. Anyway, we were rear ended and the driver tried to speed away by making an abrupt U Turn and ended up hitting a car head on. Here's how the numbers break down.

Total combined speed we were driving in both accidents
0 + 0 = 0

Number of times the driver that hit us called Brock "Homie"

Or not

Number of times Brock called the driver that hit us something other than "Homie"
> 4

Number of Uggs boots seen at the accident
0 **
**dispelling the previous theory that Ugg boots cause accidents

Number of people Brock shared the emergency room with
#1) A lady from another accident who passed out while driving and hit someone.
# 2 & #3) A mom and daughter getting blood work done
#4) A Russian lady who kept screaming that her daughters dogs were giving her a rash
#5) An annoyed red head from Iowa, I didn't get her name but she seemed really pretty and smart

Amount of time that lapsed between the accident and Brock texting
1.5 seconds

No problem with the texting fingers!***

Number of accidents you can have before the collision center brings your car to your home just avoid having you near their shop

***Disclaimer: Brock was not badly hurt, therefore it is completely acceptable and in good taste for me to be making fun of him.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Don't Stop Believing: Prom Part II

Prom...producing awkward moments for the last 100 years.

3 Weeks Earlier......

Brock: I have to tell you something but I don't want you to be mad.
Me: I won't be mad...
Brock: Are you sure?
Me:....yeah, pretty sure...
Brock: I can't take you to the prom, something about school liability....
Me: (quickly and relieved) Oh, thats ok....
Brock: (concerned) Don't be disappointed
Me: (quicker) oh, I'm not
Brock:  Well, it won't be the same without you....Are you sure you're not mad...you seem mad...

Stop! Play Prom Music


 Prom 2011 

Brock took a co-worker: Football Coach, Campus Ministry Teacher,  Redhead

What They Wore
The both wore blue pin striped suits, they looked adorable.

They did not exchange flowers but Brock stepped on gum on his way and I think his buddy sat on a cupcake.

Pre Prom Dinner
Chipotle's.  I envisioned them wiping salsa off each others chin in a dimly lit booth in the back of the restaurant. Brock had a burrito and big Coke.

Meeting all your pre-prom needs

Brock claims to have recognized about 75% of the songs which leads me to believe their music selection consisted of 75% AC/DC and Journey.

Me: What did the kids wear? Dresses and Tuxes?
Brock: The girls didn't wear normal (air quotes) prom dresses
Me: Did you just air quote prom dresses?..... What do mean not normal?
Brock: I was hoping you wouldn't notice.....I mean they weren't long puffy flowing gowns, they were short and some were racey
Me: Ok, Grandpa

Hello, 1986, how ya doin?
Me: Did you dance? (dreading the answer)
Brock: Well, yes but only because they asked me to.....
Me: Who asked you to?
Brock: My....uh..... players?
Me: What did you dance to?
Brock: A Journey Remix... but only for a  minute...
Me: That doesn't make it right.....

For those of you have attended a party or a wedding with us and/or have seen video of Brock dancing there is NO way he was out there for only a minute.

And the beat goes on.......

Would he chaperone again?
Brock: Yeah, it was pretty awesome

Monday, May 9, 2011

The Capture Mission

By now all of the world has heard about the elite Seal Team Six, based out of Virginia, and their highly secretive and highly successful mission to rid the world of Osama bin Laden. What you may not be aware of is another Virginia based, highly trained, elite team of two. Although this smaller team does not have the recognition and admiration of the world at this point, their mission last week mirrored that of the Seal Team. These two secret ops known as Gym Density (Density) and C. Everett Poop ( "Poop" to those who know him) came face to face with their enemy and were forced into combat. You may know them as Brock and Goose, their civilian names, however, what they did that cool spring morning was anything but civilian. It went something like this:

Me: (my cell phone rings in a manner much like Obama's phone rang when bin Laden was in sight) Hello?
Density: I think......no...I know we have an issue here at the house...

Point of Entry

Me: What is it?
Density: We have a bird in the house.
Me: Are you sure?
Density: I've been staring at it eye to eye for the last 5 minutes
Me: (worried now) What kind??
Density: Brace yourself....Its a dove...


Me: (relieved and implying this would be a capture mission only) Can you get it out?
Density: Well...what time do you think you will be home...
Me: I wont  be home for 10-15 minutes, I have to get gas.
Density: (disappointed) oh......hmm....ok...
Me: Get "Poop", I bet he can scare the bird out the door...
Density: (defeated) Yeah, I tried already...he came out of the back bedroom, looked at the bird, yawned, and went back to sleep....

Poop, tired after the mission, seeks comfort.

Me: Get your lacrosse stick and try to shoo him out the door.....
Density: Yeah, I already tried that .......

This elite squad's weapons are the best in the business, due to their camouflage capabilities in their environment.

Me: (silence)
Density: Did you know that birds poop when they are scared.........I guess this bird is really scared
Me: (nothing)
Density: oh, and did you know that doves mate for life......maybe he lost his mate....that would be kind of sad
Me: (again, nothing)
Density:....anyway.....aren't you about home yet?
Me: (still nothing)

Mission Accomplished
By the time I returned home the bird was gone, Density was high on adrenaline, and Poop was still sleeping. 

So its not 100 zip drives, 5 cell phones and 3 computers...it is DNA.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Bang In There!

Today started out pretty much like any other day: get up, feed Goose, brush teeth, put in contacts, pull hair back into a ponytail, barrette bangs back........WHOA! STOP THE PRESSES! Bangs are long enough to be pulled into ponytail, making them officially grown out! Suddenly, the sky is bluer, the grass is greener, the air smells sweeter as my bangs are no more. As I enjoy the moment, there is only one thing to do.....contemplate getting bangs.

My life can be divided into 3 very profound time periods: Bangs, No Bangs, Growing Out Bangs (most popular). It has become apparent that the only reason I get bangs is to turn around that same day and start growing them out. I'll admit that I love a good set of bangs, however, those have never actually been on my head. I feel it is my duty to prevent myself and any others of you who may be considering getting bangs. My method may be controversial and may cause fear (in you) and embarrassment (for me), but drastic times call for drastic measures. Herewith, I present you a photographic timeline of me and my bangs. Be afraid....be very afraid.

Sadly, this is the best my bangs will ever look. I peaked at 3.

Why not have bangs all the way around your head? Kindergarten

Bangs and Gap in Teeth coming in nicely! Second Grade

Still thinking about getting bangs? Take a look at these....

After a 8 year break from bangs I took it slow, starting with 7 bangs. 10th Grade.

Beware! This small step of "just a few bangs" can lead to this....

I was one of the lucky ones that avoided an "awkward stage".  12th grade.
I sense you are still considering bangs....I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice...

Pure Magic........College Sophomore

Cheers to Big Hair! 5th year college senior...go figure. (Friend made me promise not to tag her)

Then as quickly as it came, it went....Thanks, Nirvana.

Sadness...no more big bangs.  24 years old

Still thinking about those bangs.....I didn't think so.