Help Wanted

The good news is that several jobs became available the past few weeks. The bad news is that I probably won't get any of them. Here are the reasons why.

Oscar Host 2012: I'm pretty sure if you are hosting the Oscars you have to sit through the entire show. Deal-breaker.

Pippa Middleton's Boyfriend: Pippa recently broke up with her on-again, off-again beau, Alex Loudon. Let's face it, I'm no Alex Loudon (whoever that is) and this would be a long shot.

Oscar Producer 2012: Based on qualifications of previous producer, Brett Ratner, I'm not an asshole.

Penn State Head Coach: I'm against child abuse. Also, conflict of interest, would probably be in bad taste to wear an Iowa Hawkeye sweatshirt while on the Penn State sidelines.

Prime Minister of Italy: Might have a shot at this. With all the financial trouble that Italy is facing, my ability to live for 11 months without any discernable income may appeal to the Italians. My lack of Italian citizenship probably won't.

America's Got Talent Judge: With Piers Morgan leaving to focus on his CNN show, a judge's chair is left vacant.  Unfortunately, I refuse to believe that America has talent. Don't believe me, YouTube singing.

Mr. Kim Kardashian: Worst. Job. Ever.

Various Penn State Administrative Positions: I do like to set and enforce policy at the University level, however, seems like a big mess to clean up.

Ashton Kutcher's Tweeter: After a huge tweeting faux pas that had an uniformed Kutcher tweeting outrage about the firing of Joe Paterno to his 8 million followers, he apologized profusely and decided he could no longer assume the responsibility of communicating to  8 million people in a public forum and would look for outside help to manage his twitter account.  Fellow Iowan beside the point, I don't think its in my best interest or anyone else's for that matter to ensure 8 million people  have a positive image of Ashton Kutcher. Besides, I'm too busy stannding in line for a McRib.

Co-Host of Regis and Kelly: Biggest disadvantage is that my name is not Regis, assuming they are willing to change the name, logo and all the merchandise associated with the show I would still succeed to the front runner Jerry Seinfeld. I'm not sure who  this Jerry Seinfeld is, but I understand he has 3 children and probably needs the job more than I do.