Friday, November 25, 2011

Black Friday

Disgusted that they would have to work Thanksgiving, several Target employees took matters into their own hands and formed a petition. The petition demanded that Target close for the day so they could enjoy the holidays with their family and friends. After collecting over 100,000 signatures, the employees presented their petition to the corporate office only to have Target say they would remain open. 

OK, I can go a couple different ways here.

1) I could rant on and on about being thankful you have job.
2) I could could one-up the retailers with skin crawling accounts of working the holidays in the restaurant business. Not midnight of the holidays, actually getting up at 3:30am on Thanksgiving day, going to work, and spending the next 12-14 hours getting yelled at because we were 10 minutes late on a reservation, cleaning up vomit, getting a 7% tip on a 20 top, unclogging the toilet, and bussing a diaper off a table.
3) I could pontificate about greed in American.

I could discuss that although the petition was well meaning, it was directed at the wrong people. As long as people are willing to leave their cozy house on Thanksgiving and risk life and limb for a chance at a discounted TV, I've got news for you......Target will stay open. Below I've listed the people that the employees should have petitioned, because if they had been doing their job, people would stay home and there would be no reason for Target to open early.

Network TV Executives:
I stay home on Thursday nights to watch Parks and Rec & The Office, not to watch Ice Age. Demand that they target their programming appropriately: Dancing with the Stars Finale, Game 7 of the World Series (it may be a delay from Game 6 but just think how much better they would be with all the extra practice), The Superbowl (granted it would be odd to hold this half through the season, but drastic times call for drastic measures) or a Very Gaga Thanksgiving.....oh, wait......

Makers of Pup Tents:
If you can create a tent home that looks nicer than most homes outside a Best Buy, why wouldn't you?
Demand that these company's go back to the old school tents that we set up in our back yard after many hours of hearing our parents curse the craftsmanship of the tent only to have the zipper rip within the first 8 minutes of our "camp-out", leaving us subject to 40 degree temperatures.

The Pilgrims:
How can we be expected to entertain ourselves for 16 hours with only the tradition of a 2-3 hour meal? What are we..animals? Demand they create more lengthier traditions that we can add to Thanksgiving. A few ideas might be: Church Service (1-2 hours), Renewal of Wedding Vows (1 hour), Renewal of Wedding Vow Reception (2-4 hours), Airing of the Grievances (1-3 hours depending on amount and severity of grievances), and Family Movies/Slideshows.

The Turkey:
The turkey is a well meaning and tasty bird, but lets face it, after a big helping of turkey and its nap inducing tryptophan you end up having a full nights sleep in the middle of the day and wake up at around 8pm ready to go. Demand that all Turkey become Caffeine Pizza.

Unfortunately, 90% of all family get togethers end early due fighting, disagreements, dissension, nuclear warfare, civil unrest, and TV disagreements. These family meals ending early result in 98% of Black Friday purchases. Demand that family's try harder, be funnier, more entertaining, more tolerant, less bossy and more giving up of the TV remote. Then and only then will people stay put.

Better luck next year, Target employees!

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