Thursday, September 22, 2011



My friend Alexandra, fellow ginger and wife of Michael who is a subject in many of my stories, brought this disturbing article to my attention. The Today Show reported this morning that the worlds largest sperm bank, located in Denmark, is turning away red headed donors due to the lack of demand for such genetics. No place for red headed sperm? This is the trait you don't want your children to have? Of all the genetics that are out there, this is the one that is banned??

Here are my list of donors that should be banned from the sperm bank due to their questionable genetics, which by the way are way worse than being a red head.

1) Guys who wear NFL jerseys to a sports bar and then proceed to walk around during the game high-fiving fellow patrons while holding a Bud Light.

2) Gary Busey

3) Guys who wear denim shorts to the beach, not just because they  are more comfortable than jeans but because they also double as swim trunks.

4) Hipster Doofuses

5) 50-60 year old successful white men. This group, probably due to a fair amount of success that they have had in the business world, assume this makes them an authority in every other situation. For example, they know exactly how long a medium rare steak will take to cook, the can look at dining room in a restaurant and tell you where they should be sitting, and finally, they know they can do your job better than you and enjoy telling you that in front of their friends.

6) Presidential candidates. To be fair, I'm against the female candidates becoming egg donors.

7) Guys who don't like Seinfeld, The Office or Arrested Development. Nobody likes a baby who doesn't see the humor in a show about nothing.

8) Guys who go to the gym and then stand around in small groups with like minded guys and discuss their work-out ad nauseum.

9) Guys who take up multiple parking spaces then as they get out their car they walk backwards so they can keep an eye on their car.  News flash: "You have all 6 parking spaces, no one can get within 10 feet of your car or within 2 blocks of the gym/Ed Hardy Store/any restaurant I have ever work in!"

10) Restaurant Managers. But not all restaurant managers, just the ones who take their job a little too seriously. You know the ones, they  are usually sweating because they are running around when there are only 3 tables in the restaurant, they use terms like "we're going to rock tonight!!", their facebook profile picture has something to do with the restaurant, and they usually wear a sports coat when no one else does.

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