Who Are You Wearing?

 My Oscar Picks are in for Best and Worst Dressed

(all 4 of them)

What gives me the right to judge other's peoples looks? Well, for starters I have this blog and I can upload photos and secondly, I have a fantastic grasp on high fashion as I will demonstrate in the "Love it or Hate It" section at the bottom.

Worst Dressed 

  

Jennifer Lawrence:

Bay Watch called , they would like the top half of their swim suit back.

Guiliana Rancic:

Too Skinny, Too Orange, Too Bouffant-y 

Best Dresssed

Cate Blanchett:

This dress makes absolutely no sense to me but yet, I'm mesmerized. 

Florence Welch:

Red Hair, Pale Skin...it's a can't miss! 

 And finally........

Love it or Hate it: My look for the day

Who was I wearing today, you ask? I was sporting a new look I refer to as "Garden Chic". It is down-scale casual with touch of upscale elegance.

Shoes: Wal-Mart Rubber Boots

Shorts: Nike

Outer Wear: Rain Jacket used by Bicyclist (lettering on the back says, "Ride Dry")

Hair: High pony tail tied into a "messy" bun

Make-Up: Sunscreen and last nights

Accessory: Garden Hose

Scent: Combination of Grass Seed and Mulch

Attitude: Inexplicable confidence

(Thank God Awards season is over...the pressure to look good has taken quiete a toll on me)

Gappy to meet ya!

Today I had my brows done. When I meet the esthetician we exchanged greetings, she complimented me on my red hair and appropriately asked me if it was natural. When I answered yes, in fact it is my natural color, I must have smiled really big because she immediately screeched in delight, "I loooove the gap in your teeth! That is soo trendy!".

My first thought was maybe this is the new thing, you point out something different about a person, probably something they are self conscience about, by treating it as a compliment. I haven't been working for a few a months maybe this is what society is like now:  "Hey I bet that extra toe really comes in handy, lucky you!" or "That receding hairline really let's us see more of your handsome face...How exciting for you and us!". No, that couldn't be it, society isn't that mean.

Then I thought, what if she is right and a gap is trendy! With my confidence quietly building, I started to imagine a world where a gapped smile got you reservations at the finest restaurants, granted you entry into the most exclusive clubs and got you out of traffic tickets. David Letterman and Madonna would be royalty. The Washington Capitols would be renamed the Washington Gapitols. Beverly Hills would be inundated with gap implant procedures and dental schools would be pressed to graduate dentists fast enough to keep up with the demands. High end designers would scramble to to design entire lines of clothing just to accentuate the gap, think prints with lots of arrows pointing towards the face. Dental floss would be made thicker and wider just to accommodate our special needs.  A new angled hairstyle similiar to the "Rachel"  would be invented to highlight the gap in someones smile.....and then it occurred to me.....

She works on tips.

Pong Ruined Everything

Each morning Goose and I go for an hour walk. This past weekend, as we were traveling on one of our usual routes, I heard a few high pitched screams of excitement. No, it wasn't Brock excited that the Oscars were merely a week away. Nor was it his excitement over Justin Bieber's new haircut, although it is quite fetching. As we got closer to the screams,  I saw a little boy about 5 years old. It was 7:30am, he appeared to be  high on sugar and adrenaline and dressed in his camo pants, he was unsupervised ....a perfect storm. This little go-getter, most likely up since 5am and drinking Red Bulls, had crafted a ramp down the 2 steps outside his front door. He had the front door open and was starting his descent at the back of his house, riding his skate board on his belly and pushing with his hands. As he made the 2 inch drop from his house to the first step he had to pick up his skateboard and put it on the ramp and then he had the .25 second ride of his life...followed up by some fist pumping and several shouts of "Awesome!".  I wondered, did he know of all the other toys and games available to him through just a few household items and imagination. Below are some of my favorite childhood games and toys:

Coat Hanger Basketball

This is where you take a wire coat hanger and form it into the shape of a circle/hoop. You then affix this with whatever adhesive you can get your little hands on to some part of your house that will most likely get you in trouble. To date there has been no reports of Coat Hanger Basketball players bypassing college (or elementary school for that matter) and being drafted right into the NBA, but with the technology with coat hangers and the bounce Pergo flooring has (something not available when I was growing up) it is just a matter of time. The biggest adjustment from Coat Hanger Basketball to the NBA still remains 1) the height of the hoop (evidently, the NBA hoop is not eye level when standing flat footed) and 2) the size of the basketball (let's face it, it is hard to get socks rolled into a ball big enough to equal that of an NBA regulation basketball).

The Fort

I can't tell you how many times in my last job, if I the foresight to see what the day was going to be like, had I prepared myself by draping numerous colorful bed comforters over a table and hid inside and weathered the storm.I would have made the fort impenetrable by securing the exits with clothespins and I would have survived on macaroni and cheese and chocolate milk.

Paper Dolls

My sister had a fantastic paper doll collection when we were little and we played for hours. It wasn't until I was older that I realized that paper dolls are actually specific figures cut out of paper and are accompanied with different outfits that are attached to the "paper dolls" with little tabs..... as opposed to random pictures in various sizes of TV stars cut out of magazines. Once we got a subscription to TV guide, the collection doubled in size however, it was hard to come up with story lines that included Walter Cronkite, Mork, Quincy and Weezy Jefferson.

TV Show Re-Enactment

When you are not able to watch the vast amounts of TV that your young heart desires this leaves you no choice but to act them out. Lucky for me I had a sister and a cousin and we were all 2 years apart. Therefore, we could be Marsha, Jan and Cindy Brady or we could be Mary, Laura and Carrie Ingalls (Little House on the Prairie), or we could Charlie's Angles. All you need for this game is a sister and a cousin and limited TV privileges.

Of course all this changed once Pong entered the picture.

Don't Suck

With Brock's new job (coaching and teaching), he was asked to update the school website with a blurb about himself, his coaching philosophy and his upcoming season. I thought this was a perfect opportunity for me to test the waters and see if I have what it takes to write something other than a blog-a high school coach's press release. I 'm sure there are 10's of dollars to be made in this type of work. Anything to keep me out of the restaurant business. I gave him two to choose from. The first was a very glowing, grammatically and politically correct, glass half full  blurb. The second was a gritty, rawer somewhat sobering version, which I will share with you below because let's face it, politically correct isn't funny.

***Disclaimer: Any similarities between yourself or someone you know in the paragraph written below are simply coincidental and characters other than Brock are merely fictitious . This is intended to poke fun at one person and one person only-Brock.

"After a long and storied playing career, Coach Liv-Doctor (name has been changed-see previous post) has turned his attention to a rag tag group of ne'er do wells who couldn't tell a goal from their a&%*. His philosophy is simple, "Don't suck, Ladies". His coaching style is loud, hot tempered bordering on rage-y, and if not anything, is foul mouthed and laced with profanities. His demands are simple: Show up on time, once the whistle blows stop asking questions, use the bathroom before practice and for the love of God, really this time, stop asking questions. When asked how his 2011 season was shaping up Coach Liv-Doctor seemed to be looking at something in the far distance when he replied simply, if not sadly, "you know I was pro athlete"...as he walked away the hand stitched lettering on the back of his t-shirt seemed to say it all......"Suck It". Coach Liv-Doctor is assisted by no one as Superman didn't have a side kick either. For questions about the 2011 season...don't contact Coach Liv-Doctor, he will contact you."

When I showed this version to Brock, his only response was, "You know, my playing career is not over". After much deliberation and wanting to remain employed, he went with the other version.

Jr. Lollipops-A Study of Nicknames

George Costanza wanted to be called T-Bone, Sean Combs was Puff Daddy, then P. Diddy, and is currently Diddy (at least at the time this fine piece of journalism when to print),  Mobsters all have them  (Jr. Lollipops, my personal favorite), even the most recent Midwest snow storm had two-Snowpocalypse and Snowmegeddon. Oh, the nickname! I don't know a lot about much, but I do know that men love nicknames. They love to give them, they love to get them, and when they don't get the one they want they love to make one up for themselves. Below are some of my favorites.

-ator, -er, dawg (pronounced dog)

These suffixes seem to be the most common and are usually added to your real name. For example, Your name is Roman who probably gets to work on time and eats 3 servings of fruit a day, with the addition of "-ator", suddenly you are The Romanator who drives fast and laughs at rules. Another example, your last name is Cruz, now with the addition of  "-er" to your name, you are now Cruzer a much fast, more athletic version of your former self. And last but not least "dawg",  for example, your friend Josh is now J-Dawg, your friend with the last name Livingston is now Liv-Dawg (at least that is what he claims). A few things these have in common: 1) they all use your existing name and 2) they are often times accompanied with a backwards baseball hat and/or a shirt with no sleeves.

Examples of Nicknames Given

B. Rock and Liv-Doctor: These are nicknames that Brock claims he has had over the years. Now, I have actually heard other people call him these names so I suspect he is telling the truth.  However, just for sport, I accuse him of making these up for himself, because as much as men love nicknames, they equally hate being accused of making up a nickname that was given to them.

Hammer: This nick name is given to a lot of people, mostly in the context of not being able to remember their actual name. My favorite use of this nickname was years ago when I worked with a guy who looked like a pilgrim. If you closed your eyes you could see him with the buckle shoes, knickers and a tall hat. At a company picnic where touch football was played, he got clotheslined and he came up fighting.....from that point on Brock always referred to him as Hammer. It sure beat being called, "Mayflower".

Self Given Nicknames

El Guapo: This is one of my favorites, I worked with someone who was making out the schedule for the day and gave everyone a nickname, himself included. For one day, he was El Guapo and El Guapo he was, he walked taller and prouder because for that day he was known as the "Handsome One".
The Ambassador of Booze and Schmooze: This is an interesting one, as this isn't necessarily a nickname given but rather a title given. This is a former co-worker of mine who had this title place on the back of his business card. No word yet if, as Ambassador, he is awarded diplomatic immunity in his host country. I love the concept of this because without royalty in the US, suddenly I am the "Duchess of Wit and Sexiness".

Nicknames Given Secretly

These are nicknames that are given without the nicknamee ever knowing.

DavidD33: I once worked with someone who left very long, slow paced, all be it informative, voice mails on the company voicemail. One day when I was complaining commenting how long the voice mails were, a friend and co-worker of mine said, "just 33 him". This meant to speed up the voicemail just hit "33" on the phone. From that point on he (the one leaving the voice mails) was referred to as DavidD33.

The Enigma

In college we lived next to a serial nickname giver. What was unique about this guy was that he would give nicknames to girls the same way you would to guys, picking out something unique about their appearance and creating a nickname. These nicknames usually only stuck around for a semester and often times he would be the only one that would use the nickname. Here are two example:

Sammy: This was the nickname given to my sister because she had this great head of blond curly hair and subsequently, so did the new lead singer for Van Halen, Sammy Hagar.

Pippy: Now I wish my look and appearance warranted nicknames like Gisele or Angelina, but in truth I look more like Pippy Longstockings and that is what he called me. Thank God, I grew up and became the Duchess of Wit and Sexiness!

**No actual research was done in the this study and no names or nicknames were changed to protect the innocent.

Sunpacolypse

With all the weather that has been pounding the Midwest, I'm glad I moved to the West Coast....that is until I heard our weather report. 10 days (maybe up to 12!) of nothing but sun and warmer than usual temps! What happened next is nothing short of mayhem. It was Sunageddon 2011! Upon hearing the news of this warmer than normal weather, I immediately ran to put my flip flop on, raced outside and jumped in my car. The roads were madness, people cutting each other off  while racing to get to the grocery store. As I got to the grocery store,  I ran directly to the toiletry section, there it was, the last bottle of sunscreen on the shelf,  mocking me and my freckles.....SPF 4! Daggers! I ran to the sunglasses rack...nothing! I ran to the floppy hat section (I know, that's a stretch) ......all sold out! Now the reality had sunk in...without my sun screen I would be holed up in my house until the heat wave was over (or at least until dusk). I must get the essentials! Water....gone! Then I remembered I had a faucet at home, whew! Toilet paper.....only the 1 ply..oh yeah, I just bought that 62 pack at Costco's...saved again! With the sun about to hit high exposure I decided I better get back home before that parking spot with the shade is gone. It was a race to get to it before Brock....rats! So I decided to park in the garage. As I was safely inside, I looked out my front door in horror! With the rain earlier in the month and now the sun my landscaping was growing too fast...my sidewalk and front door would be covered and I would be stuck inside until the gardener came which was as least 3 hours way! Would I survive!? Would I have to use the back door?? Ohhh, the humanity!

(I went ahead and included the popular "view out my front door after extreme weather hits" picture.....as you can see, I survived...however, not all my plants did)