The Capture Mission

By now all of the world has heard about the elite Seal Team Six, based out of Virginia, and their highly secretive and highly successful mission to rid the world of Osama bin Laden. What you may not be aware of is another Virginia based, highly trained, elite team of two. Although this smaller team does not have the recognition and admiration of the world at this point, their mission last week mirrored that of the Seal Team. These two secret ops known as Gym Density (Density) and C. Everett Poop ( "Poop" to those who know him) came face to face with their enemy and were forced into combat. You may know them as Brock and Goose, their civilian names, however, what they did that cool spring morning was anything but civilian. It went something like this:

Me: (my cell phone rings in a manner much like Obama's phone rang when bin Laden was in sight) Hello?

Density: I think......no...I know we have an issue here at the house...

Point of Entry

Me: What is it?

Density: We have a bird in the house.

Me: Are you sure?

Density: I've been staring at it eye to eye for the last 5 minutes

Me: (worried now) What kind??

Density: Brace yourself....Its a dove...

Ferosh!

Me: (relieved and implying this would be a capture mission only) Can you get it out?

Density: Well...what time do you think you will be home...

Me: I wont  be home for 10-15 minutes, I have to get gas.

Density: (disappointed) oh......hmm....ok...

Me: Get "Poop", I bet he can scare the bird out the door...

Density: (defeated) Yeah, I tried already...he came out of the back bedroom, looked at the bird, yawned, and went back to sleep....

Poop, tired after the mission, seeks comfort.

Me: Get your lacrosse stick and try to shoo him out the door.....

Density: Yeah, I already tried that .......

This elite squad's weapons are the best in the business, due to their camouflage capabilities in their environment.

Me: (silence)

Density: Did you know that birds poop when they are scared.........I guess this bird is really scared

Me: (nothing)

Density: oh, and did you know that doves mate for life......maybe he lost his mate....that would be kind of sad
Me: (again, nothing)
Density:....anyway.....aren't you about home yet?

Me: (still nothing)

Mission Accomplished

By the time I returned home the bird was gone, Density was high on adrenaline, and Poop was still sleeping. 

So its not 100 zip drives, 5 cell phones and 3 computers...it is DNA.

Bang In There!

Today started out pretty much like any other day: get up, feed Goose, brush teeth, put in contacts, pull hair back into a ponytail, barrette bangs back........WHOA! STOP THE PRESSES! Bangs are long enough to be pulled into ponytail, making them officially grown out! Suddenly, the sky is bluer, the grass is greener, the air smells sweeter as my bangs are no more. As I enjoy the moment, there is only one thing to do.....contemplate getting bangs.

My life can be divided into 3 very profound time periods: Bangs, No Bangs, Growing Out Bangs (most popular). It has become apparent that the only reason I get bangs is to turn around that same day and start growing them out. I'll admit that I love a good set of bangs, however, those have never actually been on my head. I feel it is my duty to prevent myself and any others of you who may be considering getting bangs. My method may be controversial and may cause fear (in you) and embarrassment (for me), but drastic times call for drastic measures. Herewith, I present you a photographic timeline of me and my bangs. Be afraid....be very afraid.



Sadly, this is the best my bangs will ever look. I peaked at 3.



Why not have bangs all the way around your head? Kindergarten



Bangs and Gap in Teeth coming in nicely! Second Grade



Still thinking about getting bangs? Take a look at these....



After a 8 year break from bangs I took it slow, starting with 7 bangs. 10th Grade.
  



Beware! This small step of "just a few bangs" can lead to this....





I was one of the lucky ones that avoided an "awkward stage".  12th grade.

 

I sense you are still considering bangs....I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice...



Pure Magic........College Sophomore



Cheers to Big Hair! 5th year college senior...go figure. (Friend made me promise not to tag her)

Then as quickly as it came, it went....Thanks, Nirvana.

Sadness...no more big bangs.  24 years old

Still thinking about those bangs.....I didn't think so.





Hello, My Name is Edgar

The Waldorf...one scary place!

AOL reported today that Moroccan born banquet waiter, Mohamed Kotbi, who has worked as a banquet captain at the Waldorf Astoria since 1984 has filed a lawsuit against the hotel citing religious and racial discrimination. Apparently, two days after September 11th, Kotbi was asked to change his name via his name tag to avoid frightening the guests. He has been given multiple name changes since September 11, all which were deemed less frightening than his given name. They are as follows.

1. John

2. Kotbi (in response to his complaint with the EEOC)

3. Edgar

4. Spooky McBoo**

It was unclear which name change was the final straw that ignited the lawsuit, but at press time McBoo seemed confident that justice would prevail.

**Disclaimer: Ginger Scone is not a reliable news source.



America's Past Time

Yesterday was my first Dodger game and although I'm no stranger to baseball, I did find baseball in Los Angeles strange. Below are some of the surprises, disappointments and oddities that I encountered at Dodger Stadium.

Dodgers!

Sticker Shock (if we had actually paid)

Price of Tickets = $240 ($120 a piece, the seats were awesome)

Price of Parking = $35

Price of Dodger Dog = $5 (more on that later)

Price of Beer = $10

Price of Soda = $3.75 (small)

XL Dodger T-shirt = Free (it was t-shirt day)

How Frank McCourt can't turn a profit with these prices is shocking but it does explain the low attendance.

Maybe "Free Hat Day" next time

Biggest Disappointment

The Dodger Dog: I thought it would either be more hot dog-y or less bun-y

Hello, $5 disappointment

2nd Biggest Disappointment

In the 2nd inning, Brock discovered that it is very hard to text while wearing a foam finger.

Brock = #1 Texter

3rd Biggest Disappointment

By the 4th inning, Brock discovered it was impossible to text while wearing 2 foam fingers but not impossible to tell who was #1.

Most Disturbing Show of Dodger Spirit

When a Dodger T-Shirt and Hat aren't enough...

Biggest Surprise

I have had friends tell me this but I didn't believe it until I saw it with my own eyes. America's past time is not baseball in Los Angeles, it is going to baseball games and hitting a beach ball around. At any given time there are 50 beach balls all over the stadium being batted around by an overly excited crowd and 1 unwatched baseball game.

MVP

The most impressive athlete I saw at the game was the Dodger employee working our section who was responsible for confiscating the beach balls. Don't let his size (short and stocky) or his age (50's) fool you, this guy had the speed of Carl Lewis, the jumping ability of Michael Jordan, and the stamina of a marathon runner. He took no prisoners in Section 15. I'm almost positive I heard him whisper to the beach ball he intercepted, "Welcome to Thunderdome".

To the left of the cop, the "Beach Ball Bandit"...stalking his prey

Thank you, Los Angeles Dodgers and Dodger fans, for a fun filled afternoon!