The Happiest Day

One year ago yesterday was the best day of my life. It was the day that I decided to give the restaurant business a break from me. I think we are both happier. Since then much has happened. Brock and I started our own business. We got another dog, Maverick. And this blog has been optioned as a movie with the role of Ginger Scone going to Jennifer Anniston. OK, that last part is not true. Anyway, looking back on the past year there are a lot of things I don't miss about the restaurant business but there are some things I do  miss. This is my list.

What I Miss About the Restaurant Business

 Free Food

I had no idea that I was eating 98% of meals at my place of employment, I also had no idea how expensive groceries were. Working at a restaurant is like have one big refrigerator stocked for you, every day new stuff comes in and somebody else cooks it. That is one sweet deal.

The Stories

 If you are at a party, do yourself a favor and find a restaurant manager in the group. Then stick to him/her like glue because you will hear the most mind baffling, outrageous, funny yet sad stories you will ever hear. Want to hear about a sewage back-up at a banquet for the University of Chicago Law Alumni? Want to hear about the waitress who was fired for licking the wall in the middle of a December lunch rush? Want to hear about a banquet sales manager who was testing the AV equipment with the host of the Lutheran Church banquet that was scheduled to take place in 15 minutes, only to start up the TV/VCR combo and play Porn (not good porn, bad porn) that the houseman had been entertaining himself with the night before? Want to hear about Mother's Day 1997 and how we got 5 hours behind on resos (which in theory shouldn't even be possible) and an 80 year old man threw a punch at the Maitre D? I've got 22 years worth of these stories and I fear I may run out. (PS. These aren't even the really good ones)

A Paycheck

Its becoming increasingly difficult to purchase items without a paycheck. Well played, restaurant business, well played.

Things I Don't Miss From The Restaurant Business:

Fridays in December

Its Friday in December and I'm in my sweats and not getting yelled at for forgetting the gift table/kosher meal/3 extra place settings. Where are you?

My 4:30am Call Time

Yes, it does exist. I was as shocked as you.

Weekend/Nights/Holidays

Chances are if something fun is happening, you will be working.

Knowing Your Place in Society

Nothing reiterates that you are less than others than that condescending tone/stare you get when you forget a fork/bring Coke instead of Diet Coke/take too long to split a check 21 ways/don't seat someone in a booth.

Covering Shifts/Writing Schedules/Answering Schedule Related Questions

50% of your time will be spent covering shifts. 88% of all restaurant firings/quittings take place less than 3 minutes after a 2 week schedule is posted.

 Answering Questions

The other 50% of your time will be spent answering non schedule related questions. Here are some of my favorite: What time is it? Can I be cut? Have you seen (the name of someone who is around the corner)? Can I be cut? I don't feel well, do you think I should go home? Can I be cut? Do we have (whatever item was 86'd yesterday and/or the past 23 days)? Should I take my break now? Where should I take my break? What should I eat on my break? Maybe I shouldn't take my break if I'm going to be cut.........can I be cut?

No Reservations



Today Huffington Post ran an article by Zagat.com regarding the 10 Most Controversial Restaurant Policies. Now I have spent a lot of time in restaurants enforcing unpopular policies with the use of words like, "we suggest" or "we recommend" or my favorite, "for your benefit". I have also spent  equal amount of time breaking policies that I deemed unjust, for example,  I will generally seat an incomplete party (I'm not God) or put a 20 top in a slot for a 2 top....on a Saturday....in December.....at 7:30......and I probably won't get a phone number to confirm. With that being said, I will take an objective view of these so called policies and offer what I can only imagine to be the final say.

10 Most Controversial Restaurant Policies

No Kids:
I Disagree: Why even have brooms if there is no one to tear their meal into little tiny microscopic pieces and place them on the floor?

No Substitutions:
I Disagree: A chronic substituter myself, I am owed the right to take my Chop Salad and substitute it all the way into a Cheese Burger. Deal with me.

Auto-Grats for Large Groups:
I Agree: If  75% of people can't find Canada on a map***, what percent do you think can calculate 20% of a restaurant check? Tip your servers, people!

No Reservations:
I Agree: If 75% of people can't find Canada on a map and 98% of people can't calculate 20% of a restaurant check***, what do think the chances are that that Host in their late teens/early 20's can calculate the table turn-time of the early seating to ensure that your reservation of 20 in December at 7:30 will be ready 15 minutes early to allow you time to decorate the table in festive holiday decor?
Answer: .009% Chance


Credit Card to Hold Reservations:
I Agree: People are rude and don't have the common courtesy of calling and letting a restaurants know
they have had a change in plans. Credit cards prevent this.....plus, in my experience, the credit card is never actually charged.....suckers!


No Cell Phones/Cameras:
I Disagree: Do you really expect me to sit there and talk to the person I'm dining with? What am I? Some sort of animal?

Dining Time Limits:
I Disagree: Just don't be a jerk about it. If you know that you are going to be at the table the entire night, tip accordingly. If the restaurant offers to buy you a drink at the bar after you have been sitting at the table with a paid check for at least 1 hour, take the free drink and don't be offended.


Dress Codes:
I Agree: Have you seen the People of Wal-Mart website? Yes, there should be a dress code...EVERYWHERE.


No Standing at the Bar:
I Disagree: What are you...Un-American?

Cash Only:
I Disagree: How can we spend money we don't have on important things like Chicken Piccata, Tuna Tartare, and Dixie Chicken if a restaurant doesn't accept credit cards. What is it, the 1800's?


***Made up statistics meant to add drama and shock to prove my point.

Stick It

Me in about 18-24 months

Enjoy this blog while you can as I am about to become a Restaurant Mogul and as you know rich people's thoughts and stories aren't that entertaining. Inspired by the beloved Iowa State Fair, I have a cutting edge idea that I can't believe no one has thought of yet.
It has become evident to me, despite what Top Chef and the Food Network are trying to tell us, people's taste are really not that complex. Based on a week of intensive research, which basically is me on my computer eating potato chips and looking at various Midwestern State Fair websites, I have discovered what America wants. America wants food on a stick. Thus I present you my restaurant idea.

The Name: "Stick It"

This works on so many levels. First and foremost, it will be food on a stick. But the genius behind this is that for anyone who has ever spent any amount of time working in a restaurant  has wanted to use that phase when dealing with customers, vendors, co-workers, bosses, etc. Imagine the pure delight in your voice every time the phone rings and you get to say, "Good Afternoon, Stick It". Or when you are responding to complaint letter you could sign off with "Sincerely, Stick-It".

Seriously, who is the brainiac behind these ideas

Atmosphere

Music: Styxx (duh) and Decor: Classy State Fair

The Menu

Nothing is off limits and I will be stealing most of my menu ideas from Midwestern Fairs. For example, the Iowa State Fair alone is offering 53 items served on a stick. Some of my personal favorites are the Cornbrat (corn dog made with a Bratwurst), the Octodog (a octopus shaped hot dog) and Rock Candy on a stick.

"Spooky on a stick" is more like it

Beverages
Popsicles. For water service at the table, ice cubes on a stick.

The Profits

In the restaurant business your two biggest costs are Labor and Food Cost. With "Stick Its" menu, I think I can successfully avoid the pit falls that most restaurants encounter when they design their menu around high quality expensive food. People eat anything (even re-purposed food) if it is on a stick. That is how you offer profit friendly foods. Case in point, Fried Butter on a Stick at the Iowa State Fair.

Pre-fried butter, a gluten free option?

 

But here is where my empire really takes off, we all know that the profits are in the alcohol. I present you my beverages on stick themed nightclub, called "Suck It".  Be warned, once this takes off...... and it will, if I see you on the street I will act like I don't know you.......I will be that important.