No Reservations



Today Huffington Post ran an article by Zagat.com regarding the 10 Most Controversial Restaurant Policies. Now I have spent a lot of time in restaurants enforcing unpopular policies with the use of words like, "we suggest" or "we recommend" or my favorite, "for your benefit". I have also spent  equal amount of time breaking policies that I deemed unjust, for example,  I will generally seat an incomplete party (I'm not God) or put a 20 top in a slot for a 2 top....on a Saturday....in December.....at 7:30......and I probably won't get a phone number to confirm. With that being said, I will take an objective view of these so called policies and offer what I can only imagine to be the final say.

10 Most Controversial Restaurant Policies

No Kids:
I Disagree: Why even have brooms if there is no one to tear their meal into little tiny microscopic pieces and place them on the floor?

No Substitutions:
I Disagree: A chronic substituter myself, I am owed the right to take my Chop Salad and substitute it all the way into a Cheese Burger. Deal with me.

Auto-Grats for Large Groups:
I Agree: If  75% of people can't find Canada on a map***, what percent do you think can calculate 20% of a restaurant check? Tip your servers, people!

No Reservations:
I Agree: If 75% of people can't find Canada on a map and 98% of people can't calculate 20% of a restaurant check***, what do think the chances are that that Host in their late teens/early 20's can calculate the table turn-time of the early seating to ensure that your reservation of 20 in December at 7:30 will be ready 15 minutes early to allow you time to decorate the table in festive holiday decor?
Answer: .009% Chance


Credit Card to Hold Reservations:
I Agree: People are rude and don't have the common courtesy of calling and letting a restaurants know
they have had a change in plans. Credit cards prevent this.....plus, in my experience, the credit card is never actually charged.....suckers!


No Cell Phones/Cameras:
I Disagree: Do you really expect me to sit there and talk to the person I'm dining with? What am I? Some sort of animal?

Dining Time Limits:
I Disagree: Just don't be a jerk about it. If you know that you are going to be at the table the entire night, tip accordingly. If the restaurant offers to buy you a drink at the bar after you have been sitting at the table with a paid check for at least 1 hour, take the free drink and don't be offended.


Dress Codes:
I Agree: Have you seen the People of Wal-Mart website? Yes, there should be a dress code...EVERYWHERE.


No Standing at the Bar:
I Disagree: What are you...Un-American?

Cash Only:
I Disagree: How can we spend money we don't have on important things like Chicken Piccata, Tuna Tartare, and Dixie Chicken if a restaurant doesn't accept credit cards. What is it, the 1800's?


***Made up statistics meant to add drama and shock to prove my point.

Alumni

My donations paid for this building.



Dear University of Iowa Alumni Association,

This is long over due but I am writing to thank-you. Why, you may ask? Many reasons.

First, a big thank you for always being the first to welcome me to a new residence. Since I left Iowa City, I have moved 8 times. I'm not sure how you do it but you are always the first piece of mail I receive at my new home. No matter where I go or how many times I move you, there you are with your newsletter waiting my arrival. Now that I think about it, how do you do it? I mean, I'm not updating my address with you.....you are not contacting me via email.....actually, this is kind of creepy if you think about it.

Secondly, thank you for your nightly phone calls. I apologize I am not answering them, but I know its you checking up on me. Here's the deal, that last newsletter that went out was a plea for all alumni to donate money and a heads up that you would be reaching out to us via phone. Not that I don't want to talk, its just that I have no money to donate to you and I thought after a few weeks of unanswered phone calls you would understand that. But kudos to you and your Midwestern persistence, because we care currently going on 9 weeks worth of unanswered phone calls. Just so you know, I won't be answering until I have money to donate and with my current lack of income that may be awhile. On another note, how did you get my cell number?

And finally,  a heart felt thank-you for all the Department Newsletters and the Alumni Magazine I receive from you each  month. I'm not sure what I enjoy more, the all the Sociological Research that is going on in my field or the "Where Are They Now" section in the Alumni Magazine that features graduates with impressive resumes. In my defense and not to toot my own horn, but the research I have been involved in since graduation has been pretty impressive. For example, I discovered the combination of Funyons (even when tested with a placebo) and Dr. Pepper creates a large amount of intestinal pain. Also, my work in the area of sun exposure is world renown, scientist are still baffled by ability to be exposed to the sun but yet stay the palest shade of white. I realize these are still controversial findings and probably not something you would not want to showcase in the "Where Are They Now" section, but that doesn't stop from enjoying all the success my former classmates have had in conventional, all be it boring, fields. I can hardly wait until the November Issue to find out if another former Hawkeye has been promoted to VP of Bank! Fingers crossed!

Hats of to you, UI Alumni Association for staying in contact and refusing to give up on me! And God willing, your reward one day will be that $15 donation that you have spent over 240 hours trying to secure.

Sincerely,
Ginger Scone