Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Always a Bridesmaid



 I finally got around to seeing Bridesmaids.  I can bore you with my somewhat pedestrian review of the movie but I'm sure you don't care that I thought opening sex scene was too easy and obvious and goes on about 3 minutes too long for my taste. I'm sure you already know that the funny parts of the movie were laugh out loud funny and that the slow parts (about 25% of the movie) were painfully slow. I'm sure you have read that Melissa McCarthy stole every scene she was in and is this summers break out star. I doubt you care that I would have rather had Amy Poehler play the bride than Maya Rudolph as I have never found Rudolph very funny.

I think what you really want is to see pictures of me in bridesmaids dresses at various weddings.

Up until now this blog has really only served 1 purpose and that is to embarrass myself through stories and pictures. What about Brock, you say? I'm sure as soon as he figures out I have a blog there is a 20% chance that he too will be embarrassed. But today I will embarrass many of you who have made the mistake of asking me to be in your wedding or been in a wedding with me. Now walk with me if you will down memory lane and enjoy!


High school friends, Dave and Suzanne. This could have easily been in my post about bangs.


Childhood friend, Michelle, 2 minutes before I pulled a hammy from that high kick


Fellow bridesmaid and college friend, Steph in our friends wedding. This was the weekend that OJ Simpson was arrested.



My sister's wedding. My look is a little creepy. Her hair took 2.5 hours.



My friend Mary at her Las Vegas wedding. We are waiting down by valet to see if our tans are arriving.


My college friend's Baltimore wedding. Drink of the night: Jolly Rancher shooters.


Brother's Iowa wedding, not yet embarrassed about my hairstyle in this one...give me time.


Saturday, May 28, 2011

My Most Dangerous Job

I did not know who Irishman, Neil Lennon, was until this week. He is the coach of Glasgow Celtic Football Club (I believe it is pronounced "soccer") and reportedly has the most dangerous job in all sports. According to the Huffington Post he has held his job for two years and now has round the clock protection, a panic room in his house, safe houses for his family, has received bombs and bullets in the mail, was assaulted on the sidelines, and receives numerous death threats via the Internet. The sentiment is that he will either resign or be removed by the organization for his own safety. In other words, this is one tough nut.


Neil Lennon. Stay strong, my Ginger friend, stay strong.

With all due respect to Lennon, he isn't the only pale skinned, redhead who has had to endure less than ideal and dangerous work conditions. I too, was one tough nut.

It was a perfect Iowa Spring day and I, at 16 years old, had just finished my first job interview. I had never felt more alive and full of optimism with the thought of spending the next 3 months working at my dream job.  The wait was excruciating and almost seemed unfair. Then I received a phone call offering me the role of a lifetime, working at the AW Root Beer! Had a luckier girl ever lived? I thought not.
As soon as I started the job the honeymoon quickly ended and I realized just how dangerous this summer job was going to be.



The Money
At $1.33 per hour (minimum wage in Iowa at the time) plus tips this put me in an entirely new social class and gave me access to a new, exciting and dangerous lifestyle. I now was able to put 1-2 gallons of gas in my car and could go where ever I wanted until 11pm. "Super size it"  became part of my vocabulary, what was $.70.  Movies were no longer the Sunday night Disney variety that were only shown on TV, I could afford the movie theatre and if it weren't for all my freckles I probably could have passed for 17 and actually seen an R rated one. I was the Lindsey Lohan of my time...reckless, fun-loving, and danger prone. I was living too fast for my young age.

The Perks
"You can have all the root beer you want".....no greater words had I ever heard. Do you have any idea what 132oz of root beer will do to a 16 year old during their shift? It is like working drunk: little concentration, lack of focus, giggling uncontrollably, stumbling and then you crash. But that wasn't the worst, then the addiction came, I couldn't work without it, I thought about it all the time, I craved it, I needed  it to function. It became my dirty little secret.


Imagine this, only bigger.

The Uniform
The uniform was tan pants and a brown and white striped short sleeve button up shirt with a little brown ribbon tied under the collar. They might as well have dressed us in a grease filter. If you take  the amount of smell and grease that soaked into my uniform and hair and combine it with the June - August mosquito population you have death wish. The 15 yard run to my car after my shift became something out of horror movie...me running with my mug of root beer and 1.2 million bugs swarming around me.

The Menu
The menu consisted of 3 types of burgers: The Baby Burger, The Mama Burger and the Papa Burger.
It consisted of 10 different shakes and root beer floats. It had the best onion rings around. It had pork tenderloins, corn dogs and hot dogs. You get the picture. And for every shift you worked you received a free meal. One hot afternoon, my friend/co-worker and I decided we were going to combine our meals. We were both products of growing up eating very healthy: fruits, vegetables, homemade sweets, little processed foods, homemade jams, canned food, etc. Until fate smiled on us and gave us access to free fast food. Our meal consisted of Onion Rings, a Blueberry Shake, Mama Burger (split), A Corn Dog, Lemon Pie and the usual drink (60oz of root beer a piece). Now, I have had my appendix burst and let me tell you, my friends, that was a treat compared to cramping and aching we endured that July afternoon.


Why, yes please

And to this day, two things are true. 1) I still love AW Root Beer and 2) It is still my favorite restaurant job!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Party's Over



Monday night we had a Graduation party for Brock. Here is how it went.

Number of party guests
38

Average age of party goers
38
(this makes the rest more ridiculous)

How fast can 38 people eat 45 hamburgers and 12 hot dogs
00:00:42

Best item a party guest brought
2, 4' speakers

Number of times Thunderstruck by AC/DC was played
12

Number of times the cops came
2

Number of jello shots needed for a party of 38
>50

Hello, College, I have missed you


Number of pissed off neighbors
All - 2 that were invited = A lot

Fine for a 3rd visit from the cops
$1400

How old is too old for a keg stand
>38
(actual age undetermined)

No comment

Time I went to bed
Midnight

Time party ended
3:30am

Number of holes I found in the wall the next morning
1

The excuse was that this a result of a "hug gone wrong"


But it looks suprising similiar to this. See post Eye of the Tiger



Time the last party guest left
11am Tuesday


In other words, we had a blast!







Monday, May 23, 2011

It's A Party!



Tomorrow Brock graduates from college. Tonight we party. Always one to protect myself legally, there are a few rules for tonights' party. The waiver below will be posted on our front door and by entering into our house you have hereby entered into a legally binding contract. Failure to head advice may result in early dismissal from the party.


DANGER! DANGER!

Please be advised that Management (Me) is not responsible for the actions of one Brock Livingston after 9pm or 4 Jack & Cokes, which ever comes first. ***

These actions include but are not limited to:
Excessive Hugging
Reckless Dancing
Singing Journey Songs (loudly)
Aggressive High-Fiving

Safety First! Stretch before High-Fiving Brock.

Also be advised to avoid the following conversations:
The Dallas Cowboys
Danica Patrick
Mayonnaise
Ugg Boots
Arguing that Thunderstruck by AC/DC isn’t the greatest song ever made
 Redskins’ owner Dan Snyder

Isn't that Joe Gibbs?

Furthermore, avoid engaging Brock in the following activities:
A Dance Off
A Text Off
Staring Contest
A Shoot Off (Lacrosse)
A Sing Off
Beer Chugging

Stare down!

***If for some reason you find yourself in any one of the above situations, the safe word is “BANANA”


In other words, party at your own risk!